In college, a friend of mine would always mock my sense of direction. No matter which way I went, my first step was always met with: “You never know where you’re going.”

To her, the comment was innocuous. I couldn’t stand it.

Despite being close friends, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that the jab made me feel incompetent. It seemed dramatic to address something so small. Instead, I let quiet resentment build until one day I snapped at her.

My conflict is not unique. Suppressing your annoyance can lead you to where I ended up: cranky about a throwaway comment and bursting with pent-up emotions. There are better ways to deal with unwelcome observations.

A cutting comment can make you feel “diminished,” says June Tangney, a psychology professor at George Mason University whose research focuses on shame and guilt.

“The times we feel hurt, it’s typically when we feel rejected or criticized or put down in some way, and that’s not so much embarrassment as it is shame,” she says. “And sometimes when people feel shame they do buy into the notion that they are flawed in some way.”

This is when anger and conflict can creep into the picture. “Hurt feelings [can] elicit aggression, but I think hidden in there is this sense of being rejected and being found wanting,” Tangney says.

Even though having your feelings hurt is a universal experience, telling someone that what they said upset you can feel singularly embarrassing, says Judy Ho, a neuropsychologist and professor at Pepperdine University.

“We don’t want to admit that someone can have such a big effect on us, but the truth is connections and relationships are a vital part of what makes us human,” Ho says. “It’s OK to admit that someone’s words had an impact on you. It happens to all of us.”

The best way to handle a comment or joke that made you feel bad is to treat it like a problem you and your friend can solve together, says Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer and communication expert.

The next time you find yourself thinking that your friend said something tactless or hurtful, try to see things from their vantage point. If you can’t grasp their motivation or reasoning on your own, Abrahams suggests recruiting their help with three words: “Help me understand… ”

In order to have a healthy conversation that might result in mutual understanding, he suggests taking these steps:

1. Pause. “It is very common to have an emotional reaction and to want to respond right away,” Abrahams says. “Giving yourself a little space can help focus your thoughts.”
2. Think about the other person’s perspective. “Try to determine if the person’s intent was laudable, but expressed poorly,” Abrahams says.
3. Ask your friend for help. Invite your friend to collaborate in addressing the issue. You can start the dialogue with “Help me understand.” For example, you can say, “Help me understand why you don’t trust that I know where I’m going,” or, “Help me understand why you think these shoes are funny.” This indicates that you’re hurt, but willing to work it out. “It also reminds you to focus on understanding rather than correcting or proving that you are right,” Abrahams says.

Responding this way when you’re hurt won’t be easy, Ho says. But if the relationship is rooted in mutual respect, the other person deserves — and might even be grateful to know — that a joke made you feel bad.

“It validates that this person is an important person in our lives, and hopefully that can motivate us to improve that relationship by using direct communication,” Ho says.

Eventually, my friend and I worked past this spat. But perhaps it would have been a smoother process if I had taken a beat, considered her intentions, and approached her from a place of understanding rather than aggression.

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Oscar winning actor Al Pacino didn’t get into acting for the money.

So when the now-84-year-old started amassing millions from his roles in noteworthy films like “The Godfather” and “Scarface,” he didn’t keep a close eye on where it was going, he writes in his new memoir, “Sonny Boy.”

“I didn’t understand how money worked, any more than I understood how a career worked,” he writes. “It was a language I just didn’t speak.”

However, from paying his landscaper $400,000 a year to maintain a home he didn’t live in to unknowingly paying for 16 cars and 23 cellphones, his finances began to spiral out of control.

“The kind of money I was spending and where it was going was just a crazy montage of loss,” he says. “The door was wide open and people who I didn’t know were living off me.”

Pacino’s inexperience wasn’t the only factor contributing to his financial problems, though. He eventually learned his accountant had mismanaged his funds to the point of leaving him broke. “I had $50 million and then I had nothing,” he writes.

By that point, Pacino was in his seventies and didn’t think he would be able to earn the kind of money from acting he did during the height of his career.

Before going broke, he preferred to play characters he could connect with and relate to regardless of how much money he stood to make from taking the role. But after his funds were depleted, he began taking whichever acting roles he could get.

″‘Jack and Jill’ was the first film I made after I lost my money,” Pacino says. “To be honest, I did it because I didn’t have anything else.” He also starred in “some really bad films that will go unmentioned, just for the cash.”

However, Pacino found a way to turn something he already loved doing into a money-making opportunity: hosting seminars.

Pacino remembered visiting colleges and universities in the early 2000s to talk to students about his career and favorite books and playwrights. Eventually, he decided to hold seminars for the public too and found that it paid well enough to get him through the month.

“So I started travelling around. And I found that they worked,” he writes. “Audiences came because I still had popularity.”

Ultimately, Pacino says he always trusted that he would be able to put himself back together and “never despaired” the financial rollercoaster he experienced.

“They have that expression, ‘You can’t look back,’” he writes. “Well, I look back and I love it. I love what I see. I love that I existed.”

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Any good psychotherapist will tell you that there are pretty much no rules for how a person should behave in a relationship. Successful partnerships can take many forms, and a person’s cultural background, childhood, and past relationships all play into their actions and attachment style.

There is one piece of guidance that is non-negotiable for any couple, though: you need to overcommunicate.

This doesn’t mean say everything that comes to mind. But therapists have found that couples who clearly express their appreciation and empathy for one another have longer lasting unions.

Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and author of “13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do,” told CNBC Make It she has identified specific phrases that those in healthy partnerships tend to use.

“If you and your partner regularly use these phrases, it’s a sign that you’re already a mentally strong couple,” she says. “And if you don’t yet, you can start implementing them and find that you’ll grow stronger both individually and as a unit.”

Here are six phrases successful couples use, according to relationships therapists.

Withholding potentially hurtful information from your partner isn’t healthy. Even if you believe it will make them uncomfortable, it’s best to address any concerns you have. Just be sure to do it in a tactful way.

Pre-empting news like “I felt uncomfortable when you told your mother about our private business,” with a phrases noting that this information will be upsetting can demonstrate empathy.

“Acknowledging your mistakes and being honest about your needs can help you grow stronger together,” Morin says.

To find out what makes love last, clinical psychologists and researchers John and Julie Gottman interviewed more than 3,000 couples and followed some for as long as 20 years. There is no formula for solving conflict, but some conversations are more fruitful than others.

“Your mission is to allow yourself to be vulnerable — to turn attack and defend into self-disclosure and openness,” they wrote for CNBC Make It.

Saying “Can I have a hug?” or “I need your support right now” can signal to your partner that you are being flooded with emotions and need to take a moment.

Just because you might not feel the same way as your partner doesn’t mean you can’t validate their emotions. Saying, “It’s understandable you feel that way,” can be reassuring and show you have empathy, Morin says.

There will be times when you want to meet your partner halfway or at least validate what they are saying. The Gottmans call these “getting to yes” phrases.

By saying “Let’s compromise here,” or “I think your point of view makes sense,” you’re showing that you’re listening to your partner, not just trying to establish your point.

Owning up to what role you played in a conflict is essential for mutual growth, Morin says.

“When you take responsibility for your share, you increase the chances that your partner will accept responsibility for theirs, too,” she says. “Then you can both put your energy into developing a solution, rather than getting stuck pointing fingers and arguing about who caused the problem.”

Successful couples solve problems together. Even if the challenge is outside the relationship, collaborating to find a solution can help strengthen your bond.

“While some problems are ultimately in your partner’s hands, like an issue they’re having with their boss, offering to work together shows that you’re invested in helping them make the best decision for themselves,” Morin says.

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Resilience isn’t simply an ability to bounce back after disappointments or loss, or the ability to adapt to changes big and small. 

In my 30+ years of working with children and their parents, as well as conducting original research and population-wide studies, I’ve come to understand resilience with more nuance. I see it as a set of characteristics that parents can teach their children and nurture through everyday interactions. 

Often, people assume that we become resilient as a result of facing adversities. While overcoming hardship can strengthen a person and show our resilience, it doesn’t have to have to take hardship or tragedy to build resilience. 

There are other ways to help children become independent, resourceful, caring people who can handle life’s ups and downs and thrive. Here are seven steps you can take on a regular basis to raise resilient children: 

There will be times when you get pulled into your child’s or teen’s emotional spiral. It’s not a place you want to be. On the other hand, if you make an effort to restore your equilibrium, you can help them find their calm.

Note what’s happening. Regain your balance. Think of a mantra like:

• “I am the adult here.”
• “She is not out to get me; this is just one moment in time.”
• “This won’t be forever; he’s just little.”
• “I must keep myself centered; my child needs me.”

By reminding yourself that you’re okay and that you can handle this, you’ll be able to turn to your child in a clear, stabilizing way. Your steadiness will help steady them. 

Every day is filled with multiple transitions, forcing us to face a bit of uncertainty each time. Those can destabilize us and cause stress.

A mostly set routine makes transition more predictable, provides a sense of control and helps a child move toward being more independent. They begin to think, “I know what comes next. I know what’s expected. I can do this.”

The more routines are in place, the steadier people feel. 

If your child tries to hang their coat on the same hook every day, eventually they’ll be able to do it on their own. Same if they have a place for homework following their afternoon snack, or if they find clothes laid out to facilitate dressing in the morning. 

These daily routines provide stability. They are also practice for larger transitions, whether planned (new house, new school, first after-school job) or unexpected, like dislocation due to flooding or fire, or the death of a loved one.

When you show you trust your child can do something, they learn to trust themselves, even when a situation is difficult. 

Ask yourself: 

• “Can my child handle this challenge?”
• “Is her frustration okay?”
• “Do I trust him to figure this out?” 

Giving them space to try to solve a problem using their own ideas and resources allows children to test themselves and gain confidence to try again. That’s helpful whether they’re climbing at the playground, buttoning their own shirt, or completing a chemistry problem set. 

Knowing that you’re on the sidelines, ready to assist if they ask, gives them the security they need to try.

Learning to regulate emotions is the secret to building resilience. To give your kids this powerful tool, help them sit with and handle the difficult ones. 

When a child experiences negative emotions and isn’t ridiculed or punished, they learn how to feel, accept, and get through them. 

As a parent, it can be hard to allow a child to be upset. If you feel your job is to make your child happy, though, their negative emotions will be harder to handle. You may end up thinking you’ve failed. 

Instead, help your child accept hard feelings by reiterating that all feelings are normal and they’re loved no matter what. That way, they can learn to experience varying emotions, process them, and eventually move forward.

Children see, feel, and absorb your actions. If you model being reasonable, kind, and compassionate, kids learn to treat others the same way.

Talk to them, put up limits, and give them room to ask or push back within reason. This teaches them how to treat other people with respect. When you’re harsh with your child, they learn to use the same tactics to get what they want or need. 

When children are having a hard time, screaming, stomping, or being rude and talking back, your reflex may be to yell, scold, try to control, or shame them. 

Staying steady with kindness will go further. Sending the message, “I am here for you always, even when you fall apart,” reminds them that you care and that they’re not alone.

No one is perfect, nor should you expect to be. Relationships are about connection, trust, and, at times, uncomfortable disruptions and disconnections. Sometimes you’re going to lose your cool. And that can be scary for a child, even for a teenager. 

Engaging in a repair with a genuine apology and acknowledgment of your part is key. Be honest and direct:

• “I’m sorry I yelled like that.”
• “I apologize. I should not have done that.”
• “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you earlier.”

Taking responsibility can bring relief to your child and provide a model of how to deal with anger and disruptions in other relationships in their lives, including with friends or romantic partners. 

Children need the repair and reconnection. It reminds them the disruption is not their fault. Otherwise, the belief that it is can turn into shame.

Know that your child might not be ready to accept an apology right away. Be open to their coming back to you later. 

In the everyday building of your relationship with your child and teen, you create a buffer for when inevitable hardships come their way. 

Knowing you’ll be there for them, as focused and calm as possible, a child doesn’t have to absorb the enormity of a highly charged or frightening situation alone. 

When crises occur, your ability to keep your own anxiety and fear in check will let you offer support and guidance in a steady way, enabling your child to learn to regulate on their own as they grow up. 

This is a way to protect them from long-term negative impacts of stress, trauma, or life’s many challenges. It’s a way, in other words, to make them more resilient. 

Tovah P. Klein, PhD, is a psychology professor at Barnard College and the director of Barnard’s Center for Toddler Development. She is the author of ”How Toddlers Thrive″ and ”Raising Resilience.”

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Excerpt adapted from ”Raising Resilience: How to Help Our Children Thrive in Times of Uncertainty″ by Tovah P. Klein . Copyright © 2024. Reprinted with permission of Harper. All rights reserved.

There is steady interest — from everyday people to researchers alike — in what it takes to live a long, healthy life. From cookbooks to research papers to the hundreds of articles you can access with a quick Google search, the amount of information to digest and advice to take in can get overwhelming.

But there are simple approaches you can take and easy changes to implement if you’re hoping to live to 100.

For nearly two years, I’ve been reporting on longevity and the lifestyle choices that seem to help people live longer. Here are five habits that stand out.

1. Eat a healthy diet

“Diet is by far the most important factor” for longevity, Valter Longo who’s studied longevity for about 20 years, told CNBC Make It earlier this year.

Countless experts who study the world’s longest-lived communities couldn’t stress enough how much the foods you eat can affect your lifespan. An eating pattern similar to the Mediterranean diet is what longevity experts recommend the most.

According to Longo and Dan Buettner, the longevity expert who interviews centenarians and visits blue zones, a longevity diet should be mostly plant-based and include:

• Legumes, especially beans
• Nuts
• Whole grains like oats
• No red meat
• A healthy amount of vegetables, particularly leafy greens

“I recommended 12 hours of fasting daily. Let’s say you eat between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. [or] 7 a.m. [and] 7 p.m.” Longo said. Buettner also eats within a 10- or 12-hour window, according to his interview with Make It in March.

2. Move your body often

Some longevity experts recommend daily exercise, and others recommend daily movement through low-intensity physical activity.

Strength training twice a week and aerobic exercise three times a week, even for 10 minutes of day, is one of the daily practices that increase a person’s chances of living to 90, according to the New England Centenarian Study.

In blue zones, the physical activity is a lot less vigorous, but centenarians still move daily, Buettner said in his Netflix documentary, “Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones.” Typically, residents of blue zones walk from place to place, build things by hand and tend to their own gardens, he said, which allows them to engage in low-intensity physical activity every day.

3. Believe in something

By the end of 2023, Buettner had interviewed 263 centenarians in his lifetime. All but five of those centenarians belonged to a faith-based community, he wrote in a Make It article.

“People who go to church, temple or a mosque live somewhere between four and fourteen years longer than people who have no religion,” Buettner said on an episode of “Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris.”

It turns out that people who have a faith or life philosophy are also happier than those who don’t have one, according to Arthur C. Brooks, a leading happiness expert who teaches a free, online course about the joyful feeling at Harvard. When you follow a religion or spiritual practice, it helps you find meaning in life, he explained in his course.

4. Maintain positive relationships

Having positive relationships in your life is the No. 1 thing that can help you live a longer, happier life, according to an 86-year Harvard study that’s still ongoing. But pouring into those connections and strengthening them is just as important, which researchers call “social fitness.”

“Whether it’s a thoughtful question or a moment of devoted attention, it’s never too late to deepen the connections that matter to you,” wrote Marc Schulz and Dr. Robert Waldinger, directors of the Harvard study, in 2023.

Catering to social connections is also a value of centenarians in blue zones. “People in the Blue Zones make their partners a priority, nurture their relationships and invest in them,” Buettner said in his documentary. “Having the right friends, that is the biggest secret to help these people in Blue Zones do the right things and avoid the wrong things.”

5. Prioritize your purpose and lifelong learning

In Okinawa, Japan, one of the blue zones with many centenarians, ikigai, which loosely translates to “the happiness of always being busy” is a huge value. So much so that a book called “Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life” is one of the most popular books about longevity and an international bestseller.

Ikigai is all about finding your purpose and committing to it daily. And that’s exactly what Buettner recommends doing for longevity: “People with a sense of purpose live about eight years longer than rudderless people.”

There are seven practices researchers of the 86-year-long Harvard Study of Adult Development discovered that led to “being happy and well in older age rather than ending up sad and sick,” Brooks’ happiness course explained. One of those practices is fostering a growth mindset by investing in lifelong learning and education.

“Aging happy and well, instead of sad and sick, is at least under some personal control,” Dr. George E. Vaillant, former director and one of the pioneers of the study, told the Harvard Gazette in 2001.

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