There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, says Tovah Klein.

“Being a parent is so humbling. It’s throwing at us probably daily [reminders that] we are far from perfect,” says Klein, a child psychologist, author and director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development.

Fortunately, making mistakes and owning up to them is one way that parents can actually help teach their kids how to become healthy, successful adults. “Perfection is impossible, but it’s also important that we’re not [perfect], because our children learn how to handle real life,” Klein tells CNBC Make It.

Even so-called experts are no exception. In her latest book “Raising Resilience,” which was published in September, Klein shares some examples of moments she let her emotions get the better of her when raising her own three now-grown children.

Like most parents, Klein raised her voice in heated moments on more than one occasion: “I could really yell at my kids,” she says. She points to “rough times” in the evenings when her children were younger and could become rowdy between dinner and bedtime.

The rowdiness could sometimes devolve into loud arguments that left Klein “embarrassed if people would have come over to my house at 6 p.m.,” she says. Yelling is common, even understandable, in the heat of an argument, she adds — but it’s far from ideal, and parents should commit to repairing the situation once everyone has calmed down.

“I wish I had never been that parent who went over the top and really got into battles with my children. But I did,” Klein says. “And, when I did, I had to very shamelessly own it.”

In her book, Klein writes about how these difficult moments create a “disconnection” in the relationship that can have harmful effects if they go unaddressed. Raising your voice or lashing out, even in a heated moment like a toddler’s tantrum, can be disruptive and potentially scary for the child. 

A child might mistake their parent’s outburst as something more serious and long-lasting. That can lead to self-blaming and shame, which can cause negative long-term effects to their mental health. Children who are regularly yelled at are more likely to develop behavioral problems, low self-esteem and depression, according to a 2013 study published in The Journal of Child Development.

Parents should quickly apologize to repair the relationship and put their child’s mind at ease, says Klein. She recommends being “honest and direct.” That can be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry I yelled,” or, “I apologize. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Apologizing models exactly the sort of positive, mature behaviors parents want their children to emulate, according to Klein. It “brings relief to your child and provides a model of how to deal with anger and disruptions in other relationships in their lives” going forward, she writes in her book.

Accepting the fact that you can never be perfect, and being open with your kids about your mistakes, will benefit both you as a parent and your kids as they grow into mature adults, says Klein.

“I’m most proud of the moments that I could catch myself and [remember], ‘You’ve got to be the adult in this room,’ even when it was really hard to be,” she says.

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In 2021, my husband Evan and I sold our small urban farm in Louisiana and set out on a continent-spanning adventure that would change our lives.

We spent five years on the outskirts of New Orleans, where we taught ourselves how to garden, keep honeybees and raise chickens, selling our honey and eggs. I ran my photography business, and Evan worked as a licensed massage therapist. 

We liked aspects of our life in the city, but over time, we realized how much we wanted a more rural, self-sufficient existence. We couldn’t afford to do something at the scale we wanted in the U.S., so we decided to dream big and look at other countries.

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Evan speaks Spanish and Japanese, which narrowed down our search. We spent the next 15 months traveling through Mexico as full-time house- and pet-sitters before ultimately deciding to plant our roots in the Japanese countryside, arriving at the beginning of 2023. 

Today, we run a small guesthouse and honeybee farm on Japan’s Ōmishima Island and own two formerly abandoned homes that we restored back to life. The move is the best decision we ever made.

We emigrated to Japan on a Startup visa, which is meant to help foreigners set up businesses here. 

The home that is now Benton Guesthouse was built in 1953. It had been sitting abandoned for 10 years when we bought it in the spring of 2023. It is built in the traditional Japanese style, with massive wooden beams, interlocking joinery, tile roofs, sliding screen doors and tatami mat flooring. 

We purchased the property for $9,292 — $7,500 for the house itself, $1,500 in transaction fees, a $212 one-time real estate acquisition tax and an $80 annual property tax.

When we got the keys, it needed a lot of cleaning and restoration to make it inviting once again. We did much of the work ourselves, to help keep costs low. We also hired some expert local contractors. 

We lived in the guesthouse throughout the renovations, and completed the work in under six months due to the time constraints of the Startup visa. We wanted to show that we had a viable business and host our first guests before our visa extension application at the five month mark. 

All told, the renovation, including the rental license and amenities cost $29,000. 

We pay about $40 for the internet, $15 for water, up to $120 for electricity and $10 for gas. We spend about $400/month on groceries, and $100 for our phone bill.

We have a small truck that we bought for $2,000 and pay $300/year for car insurance. 

We bought our second abandoned house, around the corner from the guesthouse, in September 2023, for $18,500. The property, which used to be an inn, includes two plots of unmaintained land.

This home is now our primary residence, and we are in the process of renovating and rehabilitating that space as well. 

We opened our doors to travelers in November 2023 and since then we have maintained a near 5-star rating. To set ourselves apart, we offer a private full-house rental.

To date, we have earned approximately $14,000 in revenue from Benton Guesthouse.

Great care and effort went into decorating the house in Showa-era style, which lasted from 1926 to 1989. We wanted our guests to feel like they were walking into a Japanese grandmother’s house.

To us, even the smallest details can make a space special. We sourced a Nintendo Famicom system from the 1980s, for example, for our entertainment room.

We have so many ideas for future renovations, including restoring the former wood-fired bathtub, adding a second bathroom and building an outdoor barbecue patio.

We plan to plant a garden for the guests to enjoy and set up an educational hive on the outskirts of the property. 

Once these additional renovations are complete, we will be able to comfortably increase the number of guests we host from six to 10, which will boost our revenue.

Over half of our bookings are cyclists groups, but there are some couples and solo travelers, too.

We also plan to turn the guesthouse’s detached garage into a retro-style roadside farm stand, where we will display and sell vintage items, including antiques, furniture, tools and cookware — many of which actually belonged to the previous owners of both properties. 

We started with 10 honeybee colonies, and by next spring, we will have 20. We plan to increase each year. 

Beekeeping in Japan has a bit of a learning curve, so we’re fortunate that a local beekeeper has taken us under his wing to help teach us about the different challenges and predators honeybees face in Japan.

The area is known for citrus orchards, and our first batch of honey this spring had a delicate citrus flavor that people seemed to love. It sold out very quickly.

We also sell tomatoes, tomatillos, and various hot peppers at local farmer’s markets. The long term plan for Benton Homestead is to make hot sauce and salsa, in addition to our honey.

In hopes of sharing as much helpful information as possible, we’ve been documenting each step of our journey on the Benton Homestead YouTube channel and blog.

On our budget, it wouldn’t have been possible to do this in the United States.

Ōmishima Island felt like home from the moment we arrived. At this point, we can’t imagine living anywhere else.

Dani Benton is an award-winning photographer and the owner of Dani Benton Photography. She lives with her husband Evan, cat Ponkan and dog Bosco on Ōmishima Island, in rural Japan. Together, Dani and Evan run Benton Guesthouse and their growing honey business. To learn more about their homestead and home renovation experience, follow them on YouTube and Instagram.

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Any good psychotherapist will tell you that there are pretty much no rules for how a person should behave in a relationship. Successful partnerships can take many forms, and a person’s cultural background, childhood, and past relationships all play into their actions and attachment style.

There is one piece of guidance that is non-negotiable for any couple, though: you need to overcommunicate.

This doesn’t mean say everything that comes to mind. But therapists have found that couples who clearly express their appreciation and empathy for one another have longer lasting unions.

Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and author of “13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do,” told CNBC Make It she has identified specific phrases that those in healthy partnerships tend to use.

“If you and your partner regularly use these phrases, it’s a sign that you’re already a mentally strong couple,” she says. “And if you don’t yet, you can start implementing them and find that you’ll grow stronger both individually and as a unit.”

Here are six phrases successful couples use, according to relationships therapists.

Withholding potentially hurtful information from your partner isn’t healthy. Even if you believe it will make them uncomfortable, it’s best to address any concerns you have. Just be sure to do it in a tactful way.

Pre-empting news like “I felt uncomfortable when you told your mother about our private business,” with a phrases noting that this information will be upsetting can demonstrate empathy.

“Acknowledging your mistakes and being honest about your needs can help you grow stronger together,” Morin says.

To find out what makes love last, clinical psychologists and researchers John and Julie Gottman interviewed more than 3,000 couples and followed some for as long as 20 years. There is no formula for solving conflict, but some conversations are more fruitful than others.

“Your mission is to allow yourself to be vulnerable — to turn attack and defend into self-disclosure and openness,” they wrote for CNBC Make It.

Saying “Can I have a hug?” or “I need your support right now” can signal to your partner that you are being flooded with emotions and need to take a moment.

Just because you might not feel the same way as your partner doesn’t mean you can’t validate their emotions. Saying, “It’s understandable you feel that way,” can be reassuring and show you have empathy, Morin says.

There will be times when you want to meet your partner halfway or at least validate what they are saying. The Gottmans call these “getting to yes” phrases.

By saying “Let’s compromise here,” or “I think your point of view makes sense,” you’re showing that you’re listening to your partner, not just trying to establish your point.

Owning up to what role you played in a conflict is essential for mutual growth, Morin says.

“When you take responsibility for your share, you increase the chances that your partner will accept responsibility for theirs, too,” she says. “Then you can both put your energy into developing a solution, rather than getting stuck pointing fingers and arguing about who caused the problem.”

Successful couples solve problems together. Even if the challenge is outside the relationship, collaborating to find a solution can help strengthen your bond.

“While some problems are ultimately in your partner’s hands, like an issue they’re having with their boss, offering to work together shows that you’re invested in helping them make the best decision for themselves,” Morin says.

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In college, a friend of mine would always mock my sense of direction. No matter which way I went, my first step was always met with: “You never know where you’re going.”

To her, the comment was innocuous. I couldn’t stand it.

Despite being close friends, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that the jab made me feel incompetent. It seemed dramatic to address something so small. Instead, I let quiet resentment build until one day I snapped at her.

My conflict is not unique. Suppressing your annoyance can lead you to where I ended up: cranky about a throwaway comment and bursting with pent-up emotions. There are better ways to deal with unwelcome observations.

A cutting comment can make you feel “diminished,” says June Tangney, a psychology professor at George Mason University whose research focuses on shame and guilt.

“The times we feel hurt, it’s typically when we feel rejected or criticized or put down in some way, and that’s not so much embarrassment as it is shame,” she says. “And sometimes when people feel shame they do buy into the notion that they are flawed in some way.”

This is when anger and conflict can creep into the picture. “Hurt feelings [can] elicit aggression, but I think hidden in there is this sense of being rejected and being found wanting,” Tangney says.

Even though having your feelings hurt is a universal experience, telling someone that what they said upset you can feel singularly embarrassing, says Judy Ho, a neuropsychologist and professor at Pepperdine University.

“We don’t want to admit that someone can have such a big effect on us, but the truth is connections and relationships are a vital part of what makes us human,” Ho says. “It’s OK to admit that someone’s words had an impact on you. It happens to all of us.”

The best way to handle a comment or joke that made you feel bad is to treat it like a problem you and your friend can solve together, says Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer and communication expert.

The next time you find yourself thinking that your friend said something tactless or hurtful, try to see things from their vantage point. If you can’t grasp their motivation or reasoning on your own, Abrahams suggests recruiting their help with three words: “Help me understand… ”

In order to have a healthy conversation that might result in mutual understanding, he suggests taking these steps:

1. Pause. “It is very common to have an emotional reaction and to want to respond right away,” Abrahams says. “Giving yourself a little space can help focus your thoughts.”
2. Think about the other person’s perspective. “Try to determine if the person’s intent was laudable, but expressed poorly,” Abrahams says.
3. Ask your friend for help. Invite your friend to collaborate in addressing the issue. You can start the dialogue with “Help me understand.” For example, you can say, “Help me understand why you don’t trust that I know where I’m going,” or, “Help me understand why you think these shoes are funny.” This indicates that you’re hurt, but willing to work it out. “It also reminds you to focus on understanding rather than correcting or proving that you are right,” Abrahams says.

Responding this way when you’re hurt won’t be easy, Ho says. But if the relationship is rooted in mutual respect, the other person deserves — and might even be grateful to know — that a joke made you feel bad.

“It validates that this person is an important person in our lives, and hopefully that can motivate us to improve that relationship by using direct communication,” Ho says.

Eventually, my friend and I worked past this spat. But perhaps it would have been a smoother process if I had taken a beat, considered her intentions, and approached her from a place of understanding rather than aggression.

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Knowing where you’ll live in retirement can be as important as how much you save.

In three U.S. states, you’d need to spend six figures a year to live comfortably in retirement — far more than in most others, according to a recent GOBankingRates analysis.

In Hawaii, California and Massachusetts, average annual retirement expenses exceed $100,000, with Hawaii topping the list at $129,296. In contrast, retirees in West Virginia need just $58,190 a year — the lowest of any state.

Over a 30-year retirement, the difference in savings needed between Hawaii and West Virginia would be over $1.25 million.

The estimates are based on the average annual retirement costs for Americans ages 65 and older in each state, using Bureau of Labor Statistics estimates for food, shelter, transportation, health care and utility expenses. A 20% cash buffer was added to this total to ensure retirees could live “comfortably,” according to the study.

Here’s a breakdown of the three states where living comfortably will cost more than six figures, per GOBankingRates’ calculations:

• Total annual expenditures: $107,746
• 20% comfort buffer: $21,549
• Cost of a comfortable retirement annually: $129,296

• Total annual expenditures: $83,906
• 20% comfort buffer: $16,781
• Cost of a comfortable retirement annually: $100,687

• Total annual expenditures: $83,501
• 20% comfort buffer: $16,700
• Cost of a comfortable retirement annually: $100,201

The reason why retirement costs are so expensive in these states is largely due to housing, which is typically the biggest expense in Americans’ household budgets. All three states have some of the worst housing shortages in the country, which has driven up prices.

Food costs also play a role, especially in Hawaii, an island state where the cost of importing goods is passed on to consumers.

The median annual cost of retiring comfortably is $66,870 for the U.S. as a whole, based on the data. States where you can still retire for under $65,000 a year are largely more rural states in the South, where the cost of living tends to be lower.

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