Why I booked a one-way ticket to India during my midlife crisis

A troop of monkeys are attempting to steal a pickup truck. Plum-headed parakeets screech overhead. An incredibly large elephant lumbers past hundreds of pilgrims. All the more surprising given I’m on the steps of a ravishing seventh-century Indian temple. Despite being surrounded by chaos, I feel a deep sense of peace. This is my new normal.

Breathe in. Breathe out. After all, I’m here on doctor’s orders. Just days before, I’m fidgeting on my therapist’s couch. Ice-cold winter rain lashes against the windows of his Harley Street consulting room. “It’s clear you’re experiencing a midlife crisis,” he says breezily.

“Like, an actual proper one or…”

“The whole nine yards. Think KFC Family Bucket.”

“That bad?”

“Much worse. Add four signature fries, BBQ beans and a full-fat Coke and you’ve got the gist.”

He disdainfully eyes up the packet of cigarettes jutting from my trouser pocket before resting his gaze on my middle-age spread. “You’ve told me you’ve put on weight, abuse your body and have no discernible routine. You suffer from mood swings, anxiety and don’t sleep. Textbook stuff.” He clicks his £1,200 Mont Blanc pen to land his point.

The problem is, I know he’s right. I’ve not worked for three years, failed to take any responsibility for my rapidly inflating carcass and have less purpose than a fart in a thunderstorm. It’s clearly time for change. “I’m totally up for the work,” I say, three-quarters believing it. “But how?”

The therapist is distracted by the enormous white clock that presides over our sessions.

“Time’s up,” he says. “You’ve got to figure things out for yourself but in your shoes, I’d go to India, get healthy and explore your spirituality.”

I nod, entirely safe in the knowledge it will absolutely never happen.

But it does. Courtesy of a boozy lunch with encouraging chums I find myself booking a one-way ticket to India. In truth, I’d always wanted to go. Having never taken a gap year, I recall being slack-jawed with envy as friends told me of their backpacking adventures in the world’s most populated country. And by god, Indian food, how I adore thee.

Many recommend Rajasthan in the northwest of the country. Loads of great regal palaces and butter-rich curries in Jodphur and Jaipur. My more spiritually inclined friends suggest I join the hippy trail on the southwestern beaches of Goa. Meditation! Sound baths! Yoga retreats! Not me at all, but just what the therapist ordered.

I start my adventure in northern Goa, staying near the once-celebrated beaches of Vagator and Anjuna. My hopes of achieving spiritual nirvana are quickly dashed by the spectacle of red-chested Russian partygoers scarfing cocktails in Ibiza-style beach bars. The hippies are a tribe of the past. Many of them left during Covid, fleeing the beaches to the jungles after local laws were passed banning music here after 10.30pm.

I need to head to the local hills to find spiritual connection, I am told; it is here where I will find a psychedelic trance festival. Apparently I will meet yogis there. They will tell me how to achieve inner peace. I am greeted by a scene of 600 twentysomething middle-class Indians in tie-dye T-shirts. It feels like the equivalent of Cornwall for the monied classes.

Many appear to have ingested amphetamines. Many look like David Brent dancing to a metronome. One of the youths kindly offers me a glass pot containing a fragrant ointment. Assuming it to be a “herbal high”, I slather the substance on my fingers and lick them clean. They laugh. I don’t. I’ve just eaten a considerable amount of Tiger Balm, the Indian equivalent of Deep Heat.

I rush to the bar for water. The air is dense with smoke and whatever they are smoking is making everyone very hungry. The festival is flanked by food stalls, fresh fruits and pancake makers. I find nirvana of a culinary kind; a grill house serving smoky chicken tikka wrapped in butter-drenched rotis. They get the better of me; I eat two. The diet can wait until tomorrow. Before I leave, I meet my first actual real hippy and one of the last remaining in Goa. I tell him about my quest for enlightenment. “You won’t find it here my friend,” he chuckles. “Head further south.”

The next day I book a taxi and travel three hours down the Goan coast to Palolem Beach, ranked as one of India’s best. This is much more like it. A one-mile crescent is pleasing to the eye, as are the modest beach huts that flank the coastline. Better still, there are a multitude of calming yoga classes and Ayurvedic massage centres. I pursue inner calm in one of many massage tents down the coastline. The masseur (male, moustached and reassuringly squat) tells me has an urgent medical appointment and could we start earlier. This will later be chalked up as an error.

In the adjacent tent, a group are embarking on a sound healing course. At one point, it sounds like a woman is having a seismic orgasm, before she sobs uncontrollably. Figuring that this is my new normal, I try to get into the flow, but I can’t help but wonder whether I should have waited for a later appointment.

But this is India; anything goes. Apparently, the knots in my back are the size of small walnuts and will take at least three more sessions to remove. I will bring earplugs next time.

After a fortnight (yes a fortnight!) of massage, meditation and largely unsuccessful fat man’s yoga, I pluck up the courage to approach the metal detectorist who strides up the beach when the 31C sunshine begins to mellow. His name is Mark. He’s from Banbury. He’s convinced that there is hidden treasure on Monkey Island, which sits opposite Palolem. “It’s The Cross of Goa. Solid gold. Left by the Portuguese.”

When at home, Mark drives a medical supplies van, but he comes to Palolem at least once a year. He appears quite rational and indeed philosophically acute. “Life is like detectoring. When you start digging, you never know what you are going to find.”

That night, I consider Mark’s words. I realise I’ve been on my metaphorical beach too long and have stopped digging. I need a different kind of stimulation. Seven hours later, I’m outside the seventh-century temple batting away monkeys and elephants. I’m in Hampi, an ancient town and Unesco World Heritage Site in southwest India that was “rediscovered” in 1856 by Colonel Alexander Greenlaw, an amateur British photographer.

Virupaksha Temple, home to hundreds of mischievous macaque and langur monkeys, is one of thousands of ancient remains spread over 16 miles, encompassing temples, forts, royal palaces and bazaars. The temple’s resident elephant, Lakshmi, has holy status: she is believed by many Hindus to be the incarnation of the god Ganesha. (If you hand her a 10 rupee note, she’ll give you a blessing).

When I inhale the temple’s fragrant incense, I’m worlds away from the petrol-dense air of rain-lashed west London. The massage, yoga and meditation from the beaches of Goa are beginning to pay off.

In Hampi, history unfurls itself as seamlessly as a damask tablecloth at Claridge’s. There’s so much to digest that taking a guide is highly recommended. I’m with Ramesh, a local who’s been educating tourists for the best part of a decade. Over the course of three days, he (and chauffeur Ramu) drive me, in a classic Mahindra Scorpio, to dozens of sites, each with its own captivating story.

For the first time in years, I feel truly content. Able to let go and be in awe of my surroundings. It’s not just monuments that define Hampi. It’s also the surrounding towns that blend modern Pepsi advertisements with farmers driving ox-pulled carts, serving as a reminder of India’s recent agricultural past.

But it’s the boulder-strewn landscape that remains forever unforgettable; an alien mixture of the Arizona desert and the moon. Wherever you look granite rocks frame your eyeline, many of which sit precariously on top of each other like an Indian Stonehenge.

I make the decision to spoil myself and bust my budget to stay a couple of nights at a fancy hotel called Evolve Back. What I didn’t anticipate was that I was about to stay in the greatest hotel room of my life; a 2,600 sq ft house with its own private swimming pool, indoor and outdoor showers, an open courtyard and even a pillow menu to ensure the perfect night’s sleep.

As I settle into my enormous bath with a gin and tonic after a hard day’s sightseeing I reflect that midlife crises might not be that bad at all, if you are prepared to dig a little bit deeper.

It would be disingenuous to say that I returned to England a completely different person. The author Neil Gaiman was quite right when he wrote that “wherever you go, you take yourself with you”. However, I’m 3st lighter, happier than I’ve been in years and can just about touch my toes. I’ve dispensed with the expensive therapist, have replaced claret with kombucha and even have a new career as a theatre producer in the West End. If this is what the second half of my life looks like, I’m raring to go.

Justin Gayner was one of the creators of the TV show QI and flew with Air India

Australia and India frustrated by rain on opening day of third Test

India’s bowlers were left frustrated and wicketless as rain wiped out most of the opening day’s play in the third Test against Australia in Brisbane.

Australia were 28 for no loss when play was abandoned, with Usman Khawaja unbeaten on 19 and Nathan McSweeney four not out after facing only 13.2 overs at a rain-sodden Gabba.

India captain Rohit Sharma won the toss and elected to field first but his hope of early wickets proved forlorn, rain halting play in the sixth over for about 30 minutes and dashing his pace bowlers’ hopes of finding their rhythm.

The rain returned to bring an early lunch and persisted until play was abandoned late in the afternoon, short-changing a crowd of 30,145.

The Gabba pitch had a green tinge on what had been a steamy, overcast morning, promising a stiff examination for Australia’s top order, but the ball ultimately did little off the spongy pitch.

Barring a probing, opening burst by Bumrah, who repeatedly beat Khawaja’s bat, the Indian pacers were culpable of bowling too short.

Khawaja capitalised, smashing Mohammed Siraj to the fence with a couple of sweetly struck pull shots but the weather denied a healthy crowd more action.

With the five-Test series poised at 1-1, India made two changes to the side that lost by 10 wickets in the day-night Test in Adelaide — Ravindra Jadeja replacing spinner Ravichandran Ashwin and Akash Deep coming in for struggling paceman Harshit Rana.

Australia made only one change, with quick Josh Hazlewood replacing Scott Boland after recovering from a side injury.

Rohit, whose poor form with the bat has heaped pressure on his captaincy, will continue to bat at number six, with KL Rahul and Yashasvi Jaiswal retained as the opening combination.

“There’s a lot of grass and it looks a little soft as well so we want to try and make the best use of the conditions and try and see what we can do with the ball up front,” Rohit had said after winning the toss, adding that the mood in the Indian dressing room was “absolutely buzzing”.

“The guys are looking forward to the Test match. It’s been always nice to come here and play some really good cricket and yeah, when you talk about how everyone’s feeling, they want to come out here and showcase themselves.”

As it was, India will have to wait until day two to show their skills and may need early wickets to force a third consecutive result in the series.

Reuters

Allu Arjun granted bail over woman’s death at cinema stampede

Indian actor Allu Arjun was arrested on Friday and later released on bail in connection with a stampede during a special screening of his film Pushpa 2: The Rule in the southern city of Hyderabad earlier this month.

The stampede at Sandhya Theatre on 4 December left a woman named M Revathi dead and her child injured.

Revathi, 39, was attending the screening with her husband M Bhaskar, their son, and their seven-year-old daughter.

Arjun, 41, arrived at the theatre at around 9.30pm local time, entering through the main entrance and spending 15-20 minutes outside, NDTV reported.

As news of his presence spread, hundreds of fans gathered to catch a glimpse, causing the gates to collapse. Attempts by his security team to push the crowd back reportedly only exacerbated the situation.

Police filed a case against Arjun, his security team, and the theatre management, citing a lack of crowd control measures and charging them with culpable homicide not amounting to murder and voluntarily causing hurt, Akshansh Yadav, deputy police commissioner, told The Indian Express.

The Telugu language film actor approached the Telangana High Court on 11 December requesting the case be quashed. He was arrested before his plea could be heard on Friday afternoon.

In the wake of Revathi’s death, the film’s producer, Mythri Movie Makers, expressed condolences and pledged support for her family.

“We are extremely heartbroken by the tragic incident during last night’s screening,” it said in a statement. “Our thoughts and prayers are with the family and the young child undergoing medical treatment.

“We are committed to standing by them and extending all possible support during this difficult time. With deep sorrow.”

Arjun expressed grief over Revathi’s death and promised Rs 2,500,000 (£23,300) to the victim’s family. He also promised to cover the medical expenses of the injured son.

“A very unfortunate incident took place at Sandhya cinema. We are extremely sorry for that,” he said at a success party for the film on 7 December.

“When I heard about it on 5 December, I was in shock. It took me hours to process it and respond to the incident. I couldn’t process it psychologically. It took me around 10 hours. We all blanked out when we heard the news. Sukumar [the director of Pushpa 2] got extremely emotional.”

Arjun reportedly complied with his arrest on Friday morning but told police he felt uncomfortable about them entering his bedroom without notice. The actor reportedly could not change or finish breakfast before being taken into police custody.

His father, producer Allu Aravind, accompanied him to the local police station.

After giving his statement, Arjun was driven to Osmania Hospital for a check-up and was scheduled to be presented in court later.

Arjun is a recipient of several awards, including the prestigious National Film Award. He has starred in nearly 30 films, according to the Internet Movie Database, including Arya (2004), Desamuduru (2007), Arya 2 (2009), Pushpa: The Rise (2021) and its sequel, Pushpa 2: The Rule (2024).

Thai police detain suspects after bomb in border province kills 3

Thai police on Saturday said two suspects were in custody as authorities investigated a bombing in the north that killed at least three people and injured dozens of others.

An explosive device was thrown into a crowd during an outdoor performance at an annual festival in Umphang town in Tak province, which borders Myanmar, on Friday just before midnight, according to the Association of the Umphang Rescue Groups.

Local police said at least 48 people were injured and that police have not yet pressed charges against the suspects as the investigation is ongoing.

Thanathip Sawangsang, a spokesperson for the Defense Ministry, told The Associated Press that local police said there was a fight between rival groups of men before the explosion and that there was no wider security threat. He said the forensic evidence showed that the explosive device was a homemade bomb.

Tak province has a heavy military presence in its border areas, including in Umphang.

Prime Minister Paetongtarn Shinawatra expressed her condolences to the victims and their families, and ordered security personnel and relevant agencies in the area to investigate and help those who have been affected, said government spokesperson Jirayu Houngsap.

Australia deploys rugby diplomacy to tempt neighbour away from China

Australia is banking on sports diplomacy to lure Papua New Guinea away from China’s sphere of influence.

It has signed an agreement to invest A$600m (£301m) over 10 years to establish a new rugby league club, based in Port Moresby, and promote a grassroots rugby league across the Pacific.

The deal will see the new team, which is yet to be named, join Australia’s National Rugby League in 2028, becoming either its 18th or 19th franchise.

There’s a catch: the deal includes a separate pact requiring Papua New Guinea to prioritise Australia as its major security partner and avoid security ties with nations outside the “Pacific family” – an implicit referrence to China.

The agreement was signed by the prime ministers of the two countries in Syndey on Thursday who described it as the “world’s first sports diplomacy deal”.

The deal underscores rugby league’s role in fostering unity within Papua New Guinea and strengthening ties with Australia, and marks a strategic breakthrough for Australia in its competition with China for influence in the Pacific.

Beijing has sought agreements with Papua New Guinea and other South Pacific island nations to enhance cooperation in many strategic areas, especially policing. Australia and its partners, chiefly the US, worry that such deals could potentially give China greater influence in a strategically significant region.

Australia is Papua New Guinea’s largest aid donor, contributing A$637m (£320m) this year alone to support the developing nation of 12 million people.

Following January’s riots in Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea revealed that China had proposed a policing deal. However, prime minister James Marape said that PNG would maintain its security partnerships with Australia and the US.

Rugby is the most popular sport in Papua New Guinea, a country beset with widespread poverty, escalating tribal conflicts, rising violent crime rates, and ongoing civil unrest.

Mr Marape said the security agreement with Australia aligned well with ensuring the safety of players and officials, who would be stationed in the capital of Port Moresby in state-of-the-art secure compounds.

“Australia is a security partner of choice in the first instance,” he said. “That doesn’t stop us from relating with any nation, especially our Asian neighbours. We relate with China, for instance, a great trading partner, a great bilateral partner, but on security, closer to home we have this synergy and our shared territory needs to be protected, defended, policed.”

Australian prime minister Anthony Albanese said: “Partnering on rugby league is a genuine and powerful way of building lasting ties between our peoples and ensuring long-term development, social and economic outcomes for Papua New Guinea and the Pacific.

“Our partnership will create new opportunities for girls’ and women’s rugby league across Papua New Guinea and the Pacific, recognising the power of sports programmes in championing inclusion and improving gender equality.”

According to the minister for international development and the Pacific, Pat Conroy, a clause in the agreement gives Australia the right to withdraw funding if its trust is violated and requires the National Rugby League to remove Papua New Guinea from the competition.

While details of the trust agreement are confidential, Papua New Guinea foreign minister Justin Tkatchenko has publicly ruled out any security pact with China.

International relations expert Stuart Murray described Australia’s use of sport in diplomacy as unprecedented. He told the BBC that the scale of this deal could open up numerous avenues for cooperation in areas like business, trade, policing, education, and climate change.

“Basically, through this one channel, we will open up 20 or 30 other channels – for business, trade, policing, educational exchange, gender work, climate change,” he said. “I think it is fantastic.”

Beijing did not officially respond to the agreement, but an op-ed in the state-owned The Global Times commented on it. “How sincere is Australia when developing relations with countries of the South Pacific islands, a region Canberra always views as its own backyard and considers to be under its sphere of influence? The answer is that Australia’s offers are never without conditions. In its views, it is all about what is in its tool box to control those island countries,” it said.

“On one hand, it is about rugby, on the other, it is about China’s perceived influence. If Australia has truly linked these two unrelated matters, that would be laughable.”

Qin Sheng, research fellow at the Center for Australia, New Zealand and South Pacific Studies at the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, told The Global Times that Australia was using Papua New Guinea’s strong emotional ties to rugby to its advantage.

He argued, however, that Australia was actually introducing geopolitical competition into its financial aid to Papua New Guinea.

Peter V’landys, chair of the Australian Rugby League Commission, said he didn’t think Papua New Guinea would ever risk losing its rugby league team by striking a security agreement with China. “Rugby league is such a religion in Papua New Guinea that they will never take the risk of losing a rugby league team to do a deal with another country,” Mr V’landys said.

Mihai Sora, director of the Pacific Islands Programme at the Lowy Institute in Sydney, told Reuters that the deal was a “marriage between soft power and hard power”.

“It’s vital for Australia to secure its immediate strategic environment, and while unusual that this would connect with an issue like support for a sporting franchise, this is the context,” he said.

Additional reporting by agencies

China breaks silence on apparent military drills around Taiwan

China on Friday broke its silence on days of heightened military activity around the island of Taiwan, saying it was up to Beijing to decide whether to hold drills.

An alarmed Taiwan this week established a “response centre” to monitor the Chinese drills close to the self-governed island after Beijing deployed its largest naval fleet in nearly three decades to the waters around the island.

Taiwan on Friday said nine Chinese coastguard vessels had sailed away, apparently marking an end to drills that simulated a blockadem with one string of ships off the island and a second one farther out at sea.

When questioned about the drills, China’s defence ministry spokesperson responded with a quote from Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, an ancient Chinese text on military strategy.

Wu Qian quoted: “Just as water retains no constant shape, so in warfare there are no constant conditions.”

He added: “Whether or not to hold exercises and when to hold them is a matter for us to decide on our own according to our own needs and the situation of the struggle.”

China deployed around 90 navy and coast guard ships around the island at a time when Taiwan’s president Lai Ching-te went on a diplomatic tour that included stops in the US.

Taiwan’s foreign ministry on Wednesday demanded Bejing “immediately stop military intimidation and all irrational activities” that endangered regional stability.

Beijing maintains that Taiwan is a breakaway province and routinely conducts exercises around the island. China has not ruled out the use of force to bring the island under its control.

Beijing has over the past four years carried out a variety of simulated attacks on the island, from missile bombardment to sea and air blockades.

China’s silence on its military activity this week was in stark contrast with previous drills around Taiwan, which are usually reported by state media with dramatic graphics and images and seen as a public show of force directed at the island’s government.

The Chinese spokesperson did not explicitly refer to this weeks’ activity as drills, but said: “Safeguarding national sovereignty and territorial integrity, the fundamental interests of the Chinese nation, and the common interests of compatriots across the Taiwan Strait are the (military’s) sacred duties.

“No matter whether it holds exercises, the People’s Liberation Army will not be absent or soft-hearted when it comes to striking down (Taiwanese) ‘independence’ and pushing for unification,” he said.

Taiwan’s defence ministry on Friday said it had only spotted 12 Chinese military aircraft operating nearby in the past 24 hours, down from 34 reported the previous day.

China jails former Everton star and national team coach Li Tie

A Chinese court has sentenced former Everton midfielder Li Tie to 20 years in prison for giving and receiving bribes as Beijing intensifies its crackdown on corruption.

Li, one of his country’s most prominent footballers to play in the English Premier League and former national team coach, was placed under investigation in 2022 for “serious violations of the law“.

Authorities at the time refused to provide further information.

Li was found guilty of taking 110m yuan (£11.9m) in bribes between 2015 and 2021, state media CCTV reported on Friday. A photo published by state media showed Li in the dock wearing a black hooded sweater and flanked by police officers.

The court in Xianning was told Li accepted over 50m yuan (£5.4m) in bribes from 2019 to 2011 when he was coach of China’s national team.

In exchange for the bribes, Li allegedly chose certain players for the national team and helped clubs win competitions and sign players.

Li, 47, appeared in a court in Hubei province in March and pleaded guilty to his involvement in bribery and match-fixing.

“I’m very sorry. I should have kept my head to the ground and followed the right path,” Li said in a documentary aired by CCTV in January. “There were certain things that at the time were common practices in football.”

The former China captain said he had arranged nearly £330,954 in bribes to secure the position of head coach and took part in match-fixing during his tenure as a club coach.

Chinese authorities have been accused in the past of coercing “confession videos” out of prisoners to intimidate others, a move condemned by rights activists.

The Chinese government under Xi Jinping has launched a major crackdown to weed out corruption in Chinese football that has seen over a dozen officials of the Chinese Football Association investigated or charged.

Li is one of the biggest names in Chinese football and was part of the only men’s team from the country to make it to the World Cup. China played at the 2002 tournament in Japan and South Korea under Serbian coach Bora Milutinovic.

China has struggled since in international competitions and is currently ranked 90th by Fifa. It failed to qualify for the last World Cup in Qatar.

Former Chinese Football Association boss Chen Xuyuan was sentenced to life in prison in March for taking bribes of over 81m yuan (£8.7m).

In September, the association banned for life 38 players and five club officials after a two-year investigation into match-fixing and gambling. The investigation found that 120 matches had been fixed with 41 football clubs involved.

China’s president, a self-proclaimed football fan, has said he dreams of China one day hosting and winning the World Cup.

Tourist killed by wild elephant in Thailand park

A visitor was killed by a wild elephant at a national park in Thailand on Tuesday.

The 49-year-old Thai woman, identified only as Jeeranan from Chachoengsao, was reportedly walking along a trail to the Phen Phop Mai waterfall inside the Phu Kradueng National Park in the Loei province when she was attacked by the elephant.

Fellow visitors notified park rangers of the attack at around 9.45am local time.

When the rangers arrived to investigate, they found the woman’s lifeless body.

Attapol Charoenchansa, head of the Department of National Parks, Wildlife and Plant Conservation, said this was the first time anybody had been attacked by elephants walking on that trail, according to The Bangkok Post.

The trail, known for its red maple leaves, is popular with visitors.

In the wake of the attack, park officials temporarily closed the trail and others frequently used by wild animals to ensure visitor safety.

Mr Attapol said an investigation into the death was underway.

The Phu Kradueng National Park has a cooler climate than much of Thailand due to its high elevation which makes it a popular tourist destination from late October to December. The park opened for seasonal tourism on 1 October and was scheduled to allow visitors until 31 May next year.

Nation Thailand reported that the attack took place in an area frequently visited by wild elephants in search of food. Multiple warning signs are posted around the area, advising visitors to stay away.

Park chief Adisorn Hemthanon said a patrol team was sent to track the wild elephant following the incident and they found its footprints near the trail behind the staff accommodation, leading towards a forest area closed to tourists.

The Independent has reached out to the Department of National Parks, Wildlife and Plant Conservation for further comment.