Even the happiest couples encounter conflict. But what they fight about reveals a lot about what’s missing in the relationship.

As a psychologist who studies couples, I’ve found that there are a few similar topics that come up again and again. And the first step to resolving the conflicts is to know what those topics are.

According to a YouGov poll of 1,000 American adults, and based on my research, here are the most common reasons couples fight — and the psychology behind each one.

A sour tone or attitude — a slightly raised voice, a sarcastic comment, an eye-roll mid-conversation — is by far the most common reason couples fight. To the person exhibiting it, it might not seem like a big deal. But to the partner on the receiving end, it hits a direct nerve because it signals contempt.

In marital research, contempt is one of the most reliable predictors of divorce. Unlike overt criticism or stonewalling (shutting down emotionally), contempt disguises itself with non-verbal gestures and body language.

How to move past it: Resist the impulse to strike back. Fighting fire with fire never works, so try naming the effect instead: “That felt condescending. Can we try again?” This gives your partner the chance to course-correct, and it doesn’t instantly escalate things.

If you’re the one delivering the tone, check in with yourself before saying anything more. Are you feeling unheard? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Pinpointing what’s fueling the contempt is the first step to expressing yourself without hurting the relationship.

Arguments about family relations often reflect fundamental misalignments and unmet needs.

One partner might feel unsupported or sidelined, especially if their spouse seems to default to defending their side of the family. In situations involving children, arguments usually boil down to value clashes — where each partner feels like their core parenting beliefs are being dismissed.

Neither partner is “right” or “wrong” in these scenarios. In fact, they’re more than likely seeking the exact same thing: someone who’s on their side.

How to move past it: A good place to start is to reassure one another. For example: “I love my family, but you’re still my partner. How can we find a solution that meets both of our needs and values?”

Then talk about your limits as a team: what to do when a line is crossed, or how to show solidarity in front of others (even when you disagree privately).

People often assume that arguments about chores are about the chores themselves — the dishes left in the sink, the laundry piling up, the trash that never gets taken out. But if that were true, these issues would be quickly fixed with a simple chore chart.

Rather, the real problem is the uneven distribution of labor. According to research, one partner in a relationship usually shoulders the bulk of domestic work. But they aren’t just folding the clothes and cooking the meals, they’re also managing appointments, coordinating the bills and keeping mental tabs on everyone’s well-being but their own.

This “invisible load” goes largely unacknowledged, and that lack of recognition is usually where the fighting begins.

How to move past it: This dynamic can often be changed if the load is named out loud. Even just saying, “I didn’t realize how much you were holding, thank you,” gives your partner the acknowledgement they’ve been needing to hear. 

From there, work together to redistribute tasks in a way that feels sustainable. Fairness won’t look like a 50/50 split every day, but it should feel like something you both have a hand in.

This is one of the trickiest arguments to navigate. In many cases, by the time couples are arguing about how they talk to each other, the original issue has already been lost in translation.

For example, one partner is upset about an unfair distribution of chores, or they’re frustrated with how their in-laws treat them. But when these concerns are brought up, research shows they can quickly go off the rails when the other engages with them ineffectively — or with hostility. 

If the conversation is met with defensiveness, criticism or stonewalling, the fight will shift its focus from the initial issue. Instead, it becomes a matter of how poorly the conversation is going.

How to move past it: One simple strategy successful couples use is the “five second rule”: They have a designated word or phrase that signals: “We’re spiraling, let’s take a time-out.” This gives a much-needed pause, without the negative effects of storming out.

When you return to the conversation, try to see eye-to-eye before continuing to air out your grievances: “I want to understand why you’re upset, and I want you to understand the same for me. You share your side, then I’ll share mine.”

Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org.

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Growing up in Nara, Japan, I always loved eating “wagashi,” or traditional Japanese sweets. My favorite was pudding and cakes made with “anko,” which is sweet red bean paste.

But when I moved to the U.S. and became a nutritionist, I couldn’t believe the dessert selections at the grocery stores. They were too rich and sugary for me. So I started making recipes inspired by my childhood.

Now when people ask me how they can get rid of their sweet tooth, I tell them they don’t need to. By being more mindful and making small adjustments, sweet treats can actually be a healthy and even medicinal part of your diet.

Here are some my go-to desserts when I need a sweet fix:

There are two types of Japanese sweet potatoes that I like: “satsumaimo,” which has a purple skin and a pale yellow flesh, and “murasaki imo,” which has purple skin and flesh. You can typically find both at American supermarkets.

Japanese people are crazy about baked sweet potatoes, called “yaki imo.” I bake a medium-sized sweet potato in the oven for about 60 minutes at 425 degrees Fahrenheit.

You can adjust the cooking time depending on the size. These sweet potatoes are so concentrated in flavor that they don’t need much else to be delicious.

I also make sweet potato wagashi from steamed or baked sweet potatoes, dried fruits, chestnuts, cinnamon, matcha and a bit of sea salt. These ingredients are packed with nutrients!

I’m a huge fan of adzuki paste, or “anko.” You can find it at Asian supermarkets or online. Typically, anko is made with a lot of sugar, so when I make my own, I use alternative natural sweeteners like dates, goji berries, cinnamon or persimmons.

To prepare anko, I soak red beans overnight, drain them, then combine all my ingredients — beans, a 2-inch piece of konbu seaweed, dried fruits, chestnuts, cinnamon and sea salt — in a rice cooker and set it on the brown rice setting.

It can be used in a variety of desserts, including “an-pan,” a soft bread with anko filling, “ohagi,” a rice cake covered with anko, “zenzai,” a sweet adzuki bean soup, and “dorayaki,” an anko-filled pancake.

Adzuki beans are also frequently used medicinally and ritually in Japan. We like adding them in recipes meant to promote health, peace and wealth. They are high in fiber, protein, magnesium, potassium and vitamin B.

The dried fruit aids digestion and overall gut health, and the cinnamon can help boost metabolic and immune function. When it comes to beans as surprising desserts, I’m also a big fan of edamame paste, called “zunda.” It pairs perfectly with tofu mochi, which is made with tofu and rice flour.

Dates are naturally sweet and high in vitamins, nutrients, fiber and magnesium. Dark chocolate provides us with antioxidants that are great for heart health and fighting inflammation. 

The way I prepare it is simple: Just cut down the middle of a dry Medjool date and stuff it with a small piece of dark chocolate and a walnut. That’s it! You can try different combinations of fruits and nuts, too.

Berries are filled with polyphenols, which are antioxidants found in plants that can help defend against inflammation and boost cell health.

I don’t add any sugar to my jam. Depending on the season, I use a handful of frozen or fresh organic berries (usually a combination of raspberries, blackberries, strawberries and blueberries) mixed with apple sauce, a slice of organic orange with the peel still on, a little bit of dried goji berries, flaxseed and cinnamon powder. Sometimes I will add a dash of rum for a little kick.

I start with medium heat. After the mixture starts to boil, I immediately reduce it to low heat, then let it simmer for about 40 minutes with the lid on. I’ll occasionally stir it to keep it from burning. Then I turn off the heat and let it sit for about an hour with the lid on.

You can keep it in the fridge for about a week or two. I like serving it with dark chocolate, vegan matcha cake or chia seed pudding. This jam tastes heavenly when spread on a slice of whole wheat bread, too.

I call this my “Que Sera, Sera” pudding. Just like the song, “whatever will be, will be,” so add whatever you want to personalize it. I enjoy this dessert because it is packed with protein, fiber and omega-3 fatty acids.

My go-to recipe:

• 3 tablespoons of chia seeds
• 1 tablespoon of ground flax seeds 
• 2 cups unsweetened soy milk (or any non-dairy milk)
• 2 ripe bananas
• 1/4 cup choice of dried fruit — goji, mango, date, apricot or any of your favorites
• 1/2 tablespoon of cinnamon, matcha or unsweetened cacao powder
• A handful of frozen or fresh berries or roasted walnuts (as optional toppings)

Put these ingredients in a mason jar, combine well, and place into the refrigerator overnight.

Michiko Tomioka, MBA, RDN is a certified nutritionist and longevity expert. Born and raised Nara, Japan, her approach focuses on a plant-based diet. She has worked in nutritional roles at substance recovery centers, charter schools and food banks. Follow her on Instagram @michian_rd.

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The European startup scene was recently shaken by a LinkedIn debate with some venture capitalists applying pressure on founders to embrace a culture of overwork to compete on a global stage.

The “996” work culture reigns supreme in China and has been adopted by various tech giants including Jack Ma’s Alibaba and Bytedance’s TikTok, but the system has also been the subject of much protest in recent years. Tech workers in Europe told CNBC in 2021 that they’re turning down job offers, rejecting interviews, or even quitting their roles, upon learning of TikTok’s 996 work culture.

Sebastian Becker, general partner at Switzerland-based VC company Redalpine added to the debate on LinkedIn by addressing the new German Chancellor Friedrich Merz, who has called for removal of the legal work limit of eight hours per day in Germany in a bid to increase efficiency, while keeping the 40-hour week.

Becker said Merz’ proposal doesn’t go far enough, as “40 hours a week won’t cut it.”

“In Silicon Valley, 60-70 hour weeks aren’t the exception — they even have a term for it: 996 — 9am to 9pm, six days a week… we can have the same amount of smart, ambitious people, but if we’re consistently being outworked, we won’t win,” Becker said.

Index Ventures Partner Martin Mignot in London explained on LinkedIn that 996 originated in China and has “quietly become the norm” at startups internationally.

Part of the reason behind this most recent push is that there’s a persistent view that Europe’s tech and startup scene is lagging behind the U.S. and China, both of which have produced tech giants and are known for intense work cultures.

However, Suranga Chandratillake, general partner at Balderton Capital, told CNBC Make It that these views are outdated as Europe has produced deca-corns in recent years— companies worth more than $10 billion including Klarna, Revolut, Wise, and Checkout.com. The continent has yet to produce a trillion-dollar tech firm like Nvidia.

“The European tech market and ecosystem is keeping up today with the U.S. and Asia… back in the 1980s the European tech scene was behind the tech scene on the West Coast of the US, but that’s not the case now,” Chandratillake said in an interview.

The calls for Europe to adopt the 996 work culture sparked a wave of backlash. CNBC spoke with seven European startup founders and VCs on why they disagree.

The obsession with China’s 996 or Silicon Valley’s 24/7 work culture emerges from a glorification of hustle culture in the startup landscape, founders and VCs said.  

“It’s about a fetishization of overwork rather than smart work…it’s a myth,” Chandratillake said. “California is very good at telling stories and there’s a lot of mythmaking around the concept of what startups look like…. there is hard work involved but if you really spend time in that ecosystem, you will discover that lots of people work really hard, but there are also periods where they don’t work.”

Nina Mohanty, a Silicon Valley native and founder of London-based Bloom Money, said there are actually “lasting effects and unintended consequences” to adopting an aggressive overwork culture,

“You only have to think about Revolut and the culture that they have is probably the closest that we’ve seen in Europe to the 996 culture, and they struggled,” Mohanty told CNBC. “Their churn rate was incredibly high within their team, and they even struggled to get their banking license, and their culture was actually cited as one of those reasons.”

For its part, Revolut told CNBC it operates in a “high-growth, high-performance environment.”

“In line with this, we’ve evolved how we support our people: through value-based behaviours, structured development, and a culture that’s collaborative, challenging, and built for scale,” a spokesperson from Revolut said.

Noa Khamallah, general partner at Don’t Quit Ventures, pointed out that there’s “no need for 996” and that these values are often at odds with both the European mindset and regulation.

“Europe’s most successful companies — from Spotify to SAP to ASML — didn’t achieve dominance through overwork but through sustainable innovation cultures,” Khamallah said.

He offered the examples of Silicon Valley’s Uber and Meta, both companies that expanded into Europe and faced massive regulatory pushback.

“These examples reveal how Silicon Valley’s ‘move fast and break things’ ethos often breaks against European values around worker rights, privacy, and sustainable business practices,” Khamallah said.

An always-on culture decreases retention and creates a revolving door of talent, Sarah Wernér, co-founder of Husmus, told CNBC.

“Overwork today is a productivity crisis tomorrow,” Wernér said. “Personally, I hope my competitors are doing 996. It makes poaching great people a lot easier when they decide they’ve had enough.”

Dama Sathianathan, a senior partner at Bethnal Green Ventures said it’s unhelpful to “prescribe” working hours, especially if it means putting workers’ wellbeing at risk.

“Optimizing labor doesn’t always lead to better productivity, or help with differentiating from other companies long-term, if you’ve made work devoid of meaning,” Sathianathan explained.

Meanwhile, the youngest generation at work are less likely to put up with overworking and tend to prioritize work-life balance.

Jas Schembri-Stothart, founder of Luna, a health and wellness app for teen girls, said 996 will drive young talent away from European startups.

“People may tolerate overwork for a while, but eventually it leads to churn and even resentment, especially with Gen Z and younger millennials, there’s much less tolerance for toxic hustle cultures,” Schembri-Stothart said.

Founders insist that instead of increasing working hours, startups need more funding and resources to position themselves as key players in the global startup scene.

“What Europe really needs isn’t more hustle-porn it’s more aggressive funding,” Wernér said. “With the right level of capital, our startups can hire enough talent to work intensely without breaking themselves. If a team of 10 is burning out to keep up with a 50-person U.S. VC or Chinese government-backed startup, the problem isn’t their stamina, it’s their cap table.”

In fact, since 2015 Europe’s tech startups have missed out on nearly $375 billion in growth-stage funding, with founders losing out on a potential $300 billion in European investments, according to Atomico’s State of European Tech report published in 2024. Additionally, one in two companies raising funding turn to the U.S. for capital rather than Europe.

“What European startups really need is access to the right resources — funding, talent, and support — to grow, innovate quickly, and scale effectively,” Schembri-Stothart said. “The venture landscape in the U.S. is a different ballgame altogether, and it’s tough to compete with that without a stronger ecosystem here.

Founders acknowledged that the startup life requires intense hustle and grind, but it’s a more nuanced picture than just adopting 996.

Timothy Armoo, co-founder and former CEO of Fanbytes, an influencer marketing firm that he sold for eight figures in 2022, told CNBC that he’s a “huge supporter” of this new 996 push, but admitted that timing is key.

“I think there are seasons but I also think that if you are a first-time founder or if your primary goal is basically wealth creation, I’ll be very candid, if this is your season, and you’re stepping back, then you’re not serious about it,” he said.

Armoo said there are no excuses because AI allows entrepreneurs to be maximally efficient as it can reduce certain time-consuming manual tasks.

Meanwhile, Bloom Money’s Mohanty, said that when she’s not sleeping, she’s working. “I think early stage teams tend to almost unknowingly or without actually saying it, work the 996 life, because when you are early stage, you just have to hustle harder with less, and especially if you’re the founder, you’re always on and always working, and it can be very, very difficult to turn off.”

Schembri-Stothart draws the line at exploiting her team to produce more work. “It’s my choice to work at the weekend, but I’d never expect that on my team, it’s definitely not glorified to push your teams to breaking point.

Silicon Valley tech exec Dion McKenzie warned that expectations of a 996 culture could make VC funding even more out of reach for early-stage startups.

“My fear is that as these new norms and trends become the status quo and benchmarks for getting funded, it excludes so many brilliant founders that value their mental health and/or can’t commit to a 996 due to caregiving responsibilities or being a parent,” Mckenzie said.

Self-made millionaire, author and TV host Ramit Sethi knows a thing or two about money. He’s even published books on how to get rich and how couples can manage their finances together.

But his own financial journey hasn’t been perfect. He recently sat down with his wife, Cassandra, for a special episode of his Money for Couples podcast where they answered some of the same questions he asks couples every week in an interview with friend Julie Nguyen.

The Sethis have been married since 2018, and Ramit has often shared tidbits about their relationship on his podcast and in his books, highlighting some of the strategies they’ve used to navigate combining finances, earning different incomes, creating shared goals and more.

On the podcast, Ramit and Cassandra agreed on the most difficult money conversation they’ve ever had as a couple: negotiating their prenup before getting married.

“I’m sweating thinking about it right now,” Ramit said. ”[The] first time I brought it up, I remember I had talked to so many people, gotten advice, planned what I was gonna say and I was very nervous about it.”

Cassandra received the idea of a prenup well, he said, but things went south from there. 

Many money experts recommend getting a prenuptial agreement, even to those with modest finances. A prenup is a legal contract outlining how a couple wants their finances handled in the event of a divorce. Without one, couples could wind up leaving those decisions — like who gets certain assets or who pays spousal support — up to a judge.

Prenups are for everyone, money expert Suze Orman told CNBC Make It in 2020, and individuals should feel comfortable bringing it up with their partner.

“If you cannot talk money to the person that you are about to marry, you are doomed for failure because money is going to run through your relationship more than anything else,” she said.

When Ramit brought up the idea of a prenup up to Cassandra, he had already started his business and written his first book on money. Cassandra didn’t know much about them, but was willing to learn. And while they both agreed to get a prenup, their negotiations turned contentious due to differing expectations and understandings of money.

Ramit saw the negotiations as strictly financial and tried to let the numbers speak for themselves. Cassandra, on the other hand, was more tapped into the emotional considerations, which Ramit wasn’t really thinking about.

Ramit tried to make a “generous” offer in his prenup proposal, he said, but Cassandra was more concerned with their relationship and ensuring their feelings and emotions were aligned.

“We started going back and forth and I was very confused, very hurt because I’m like, ‘I’m not trying to trick anybody here,’” Ramit said.

Cassandra eventually suggested the couple sit down with a therapist and talk through their emotions to figure out where things weren’t aligning. The therapist asked how they each view money.

“That really opened up conversations that we hadn’t been able to have because my answer was like, ‘growth, of course, look at the compounding.’ And her answer was, ‘safety,’” Ramit said.

Despite the turmoil, the process helped the couple deepen their relationship by revealing not just how they each think about money, but also how they should be communicating those feelings with each other, they said.

While Ramit was more focused on the actual numbers, Cassandra didn’t have the financial knowledge to get a sense of security from the amounts in their savings and investment accounts.

“I’ll never forget something Ramit said to me during that time. You were like, ‘I really need you to get better at money,’” she said. “I took that very seriously because deep down inside I was like, ‘I know I’m not that great at money. I could get better.’”

While she worked on learning about prenups and managing money in general, Ramit acknowledged he needed to improve at talking about emotions so he could more clearly communicate where he was coming from and better understand Cassandra’s perspective.

“In retrospect, you were not asking me to pull out a f—— spreadsheet. You were feeling this,” he said. “Looking back, I needed to listen to what you were saying. I should have been asking more questions.”

Now seven years into their marriage, they still consider what they learned from their prenup negotiations the most valuable lessons they’ve learned from each other, they said.

Cassandra said Ramit’s mindset around abundance and trusting your earning power “has been really eye-opening.” And Ramit is grateful to have learned from Cassandra the importance of checking in on your feelings and talking about them.

“It has really changed the way that I relate to people a lot,” he said.

Are you ready to buy a house? Take Smarter by CNBC Make It’s new online course How to Buy Your First Home. Expert instructors will help you weigh the cost of renting vs. buying, financially prepare, and confidently navigate every step of the process—from mortgage basics to closing the deal. Sign up today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $97 (+taxes and fees) through July 15, 2025.

Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It’s newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life, and request to join our exclusive community on LinkedIn to connect with experts and peers.