Many people assume emotional security means never feeling jealous, arguing or questioning where they stand. But couples in emotionally secure relationships can navigate discomfort without losing trust in each other.

As a psychologist who studies couples — and as a husband — I’ve seen that emotionally secure partners consistently act in ways that reinforce safety, both individually and together, even when things feel tense or uncertain.

Here are five things they do regularly.

Secure couples argue, sometimes passionately. In fact, research shows that they’re quite skilled at it. The difference is that they don’t sweep problems under the rug or storm off indefinitely.

Instead, they face discomfort head-on, acknowledging hurt feelings, admitting faults and tolerating the awkwardness of disagreement.

Most importantly, they always adjust their behavior afterward. For a conflict to truly end, it must leave both partners feeling heard and respected.

Emotionally secure couples enjoy nights out separately, maintain friendships outside the relationship, and pursue personal goals without guilt. They know trust grows when closeness and autonomy coexist.

Constant proximity is not a measure of intimacy. Secure partners understand that individuality fuels attraction and energy, making time together richer and more rewarding.

In insecure relationships, partners often assume they know what the other is thinking: “You’re distant because you don’t care,” or, “You’re mad because I didn’t take your advice.” This can escalate misunderstandings.

Secure couples strive to resist this impulse: When one of them seems off, the other asks and then listens. They ask, they listen and they trust the answers.

When you trust your partner will tell you what you need to know, you don’t feel compelled to read between the lines.

Not every phase of a healthy relationship has to feel electric. Workweeks, errands, and responsibilities can make life feel repetitive. In insecure couples, this monotony can trigger panic or doubt about the “spark.”

Emotionally secure couples, on the other hand, know not to panic when things sometimes feel monotonous. They see steadiness as a sign of safety, not stagnation, and recognize that love isn’t meant to feel like a constant high.

Even secure people have moments of doubt, but they don’t bombard each other with constant “Do you love me?” check-ins, nor do they withdraw in protest when reassurance isn’t immediate. They rely on evidence from their actions.

Research shows that effort matters more than what we realize, which is why secure couples pay special attention to one another’s hard work. They notice consistent patterns in behavior and language

Although the effort feels evenly split most days, on others, it may tilt 60/40 or 70/30, depending on who’s carrying more stress. What remains steady is their commitment to putting in as much effort as they can. They trust that love is visible in behavior, so long as they keep choosing to see it.

Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website Therapytips.org.

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I used to constantly second-guess my decisions and worry about worst-case scenarios. It slowed down my work, drained my energy, and made it harder to enjoy life. 

I’ve been a neuroscientist for over 20 years and I’ve learned that you don’t need to optimize every minute of your day to make your brain stronger. 

Even the smallest shifts in your approach can lead to positive changes that help you focus, feel calmer and fight burnout.

Here’s how I keep my brain strong and healthy.

High achievers often see anxiety as a flaw. I see it as a smoke detector: signals from the limbic system, your brain’s emotional center, pointing to what matters.

Whether it’s an emergency or just some burnt toast, I wouldn’t want to get rid of the alarm. In the past, ignoring my anxiety only made it harder to tell when to act and when to stay calm.

Now when I feel anxious, I pause and ask what it’s telling me about why this moment matters. Once I can name it, I can address it, rather than stewing or freezing.

When you’re under pressure, the prefrontal cortex — your brain’s CEO — floods with dopamine and norepinephrine.

These chemicals sharpen focus and drive in the short-term, but they also deplete the neurotransmitters tied to joy and fulfillment, like serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins.

This isn’t a sustainable form of motivation. It will only burn you out and make you miserable. 

When I start to get down on myself, I do a simple shift. Rather than ruminating on the outcomes I don’t want, I focus on the outcomes I do want. This helps clear my mind, and makes me more excited to pursue the goal in front of me. 

I don’t track my REM sleep or heart rate with an Apple Watch or an Oura Ring. Wading through too much data about things I can’t directly control just makes me more stressed.

If I wake up tired, I remind myself that today might be tough, but it’s going to be ok. Then I stick to my routine instead of trying to make up for it with additional caffeine or sleeping in the next day.

What helps more is managing the habits that set my brain up for good sleep: morning sunlight, a consistent bedtime to support melatonin release, regular exercise, and a calming nighttime routine to lower cortisol.

Jumping back and forth between different tasks and projects can sometimes make you feel more productive, because you get a little boost of dopamine every time you focus on something new. But that productivity boost is an illusion. 

Task-switching actually taxes the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that helps you make decisions and solve problems. This strain can lead to mistakes and mental exhaustion. 

When I really need to buckle down and get stuff done, I break the task into small time blocks so I can focus fully on one thing at a time. 

Positive thinking is a very powerful tool. But it can sometimes make you feel worse.

So many high achievers fall into this trap. They try to force their way to a good outcome by avoiding any negative feelings, and end up getting in their own way. 

A more helpful approach is to acknowledge and label your emotions.

It might feel silly, but it eases the load on your amygdala, letting your brain release tension and refocus with intention instead of suppressing your feelings.

For a long time, I focused solely on my ambition to avoid feeling like a failure.

From a neuroscience perspective, this approach elevated my stress hormones. I’d get a quick boost of dopamine and motivation, but in the long-term, it led to me feeling burned out.

Now, whenever I start to spiral, I take a deep breath and remind myself that I’m doing my best. 

By recognizing my worth beyond my output, I can rewire my brain and unlock a greater sense of joy and fulfillment.

Alex Korb, PhD, is a neuroscientist, UCLA professor, and mindset coach. He is the author of ”The Upward Spiral.”

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Shahezad Contractor’s initial aim in starting his halal burger business was simple: “I wanted more halal options.”

Now, with eight locations across the Northeast, he has much bigger dreams for Cousin’s Burger, the halal restaurant chain he launched in 2024.

“Our goal is to be the next In-and-Out or the next Shake Shack,” Contractor tells CNBC Make It.

Contractor, 44, is the founder and CEO of Cousin’s Food Inc., a halal restaurant group based in Philadelphia. Along with Cousin’s Burger, Contractor also owns a halal pizza shop, Cousin’s Pizza, and a halal barbecue joint, Cousin’s Smokehouse and Burgers.

Collectively, his restaurants brought in over $4 million in revenue in 2025, according to documents reviewed by CNBC Make It.

In Contractor’s view, there’s “a lot of untapped potential” in the halal food market. “You don’t need to be Muslim to enjoy halal,” Contractor says: Many people prefer halal meat because of its “high quality and cleanliness,” as well as its more humane treatment of animals.

Aside from the Halal Guys restaurant franchise, there are relatively few mainstream American halal food options in the U.S., Contractor says.

He’s hoping to change that.

Contractor, who grew up on Long Island, got into the restaurant business almost by accident, he says. Technology was his first passion: after earning a degree in management information systems from SUNY Old Westbury, he spent 24 years working in IT.

The turning point came when his friend Tabish Hoda asked Contractor to participate in his halal food festival in 2023. Contractor, who has no formal culinary training but frequently cooks for family and friends, decided to make smashburgers — it was “the easiest thing I could do,” he says.

He bought enough meat to feed approximately 500 customers, expecting to have leftovers. Instead, Contractor sold out by 6 p.m. that day. “That’s when I realized that there was a ton of potential” in serving American-style halal food, he says.

Contractor started exploring the idea of opening his own restaurant in Philadelphia, which he saw as the “perfect location” to start a halal business due to its significant Muslim population, he says.

He partnered with Rizwan Ahmed, a restaurant owner he met at the halal festival to transform one of Ahmed’s existing restaurants into the first Cousin’s Burger location in 2024.

From there, the business expanded quickly. Cousin’s Burger currently has eight locations across Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Delaware.

Contractor attributes his restaurants’ popularity to three key characteristics: high-quality ingredients, “really simple” recipes, and excellent customer service.

He gets his meat from Prime Halal, a Philadelphia-based, halal-certified butcher shop. “It’s a bit more expensive than what you’d find in your normal restaurant supplier, but the taste speaks for itself,” he says.

The smashburger is “by far” the number one menu item at Cousin’s Burger, Contractor says, and they’ve gotten the recipe down to a science: A portion of USDA Prime Black Angus beef is smashed on a flat-top grill, seasoned with their signature spice blend and then covered with white American cheese. It’s served on a buttered, lightly-toasted potato roll and topped with pickles and Cousin’s Burger’s proprietary house sauce.

A single smashburger typically costs $7 or $8, he says — the exact price depends on the location due to variations in rent.

Right now, food costs are “through the roof,” Contractor says. “I’d love to be able to sell a $4 burger, but it’s simply impossible. The economics of it doesn’t make sense.” Rent and labor are the other main expenses for Cousin’s Burger, according to Contractor.

These days, Contractor is less involved in the day-to-day operations of the restaurants. His main responsibilities are marketing, meeting with business partners and “continuing to grow the brand,” he says.

As the sole breadwinner of his household, which includes his wife and two daughters, Contractor says that it felt like a huge risk to leave his “very cushy” IT job to start a restaurant. At the same time, he had begun to worry that AI would affect his job security, so he decided to take a “leap of faith” and launch his own business.

“Building something for yourself, something that can potentially make generational wealth as well,” he says, “was really appealing to me.”

Contractor’s long-term goal is to make Cousin’s Burger a global brand, he says. Over the next few years, he hopes to open 50 locations and to expand into other countries, including Canada.

“I think the sky’s the limit,” Contractor says. “We’re going to keep going until somebody tells us to stop, or we can’t do it anymore.”

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I’ve been a therapist for over 30 years, and so many of the couples I meet with simply don’t see how their words and body language — even if they are not yelling — are disrespectful.

I’ve seen couples who have a hard time repairing trust that was broken during embroiled and ugly fights. Others lose a sense of trust by the sarcastic digs, eye rolls, interrupting, or belittling.

It’s vital to examine the kinds of communication that go under the radar as disrespectful. Awareness is the first step in taking accountability for your words. While the types of phrases below can seem innocent on their own, over time they can leave a partner feeling diminished and unloved — and the whole relationship in troubled waters:

1. Phrases that humiliate your partner, name-calling, or speaking disparagingly — directly or to others in public

Examples:

• “Really, second helpings?”
• “Oh, he always does that.”
• “Don’t pay attention to him.”

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2. Sarcasm and mocking tones intended as insults

Examples:

• “Great job on yelling at the kids.”
• “Is that what you’re wearing?”
• “Yeah, like that’s worth bragging about.”

3. Manipulative language that twists reality

Examples:

• “It didn’t happen that way.”
• “I never said that. You understood it wrong.”
• “You’re crazy if you really think that.”

4. Moralistic statements that insult, correct, criticize, demean, diagnose or label

Examples:

• “You spoil him way too much, because your mother spoiled you.”
• “You’re so selfish.”
• “That’s a narcissistic thing to say.”

5. Blame shifting

Examples:

• “I hate yelling, but you frustrate me so much.”
• “You’re making me feel guilty.”
• “Maybe if you tried harder, I wouldn’t have to step in.”

6. Blocking compassion by advice, interrogation, one-upping or correcting

Examples:

• “How come you didn’t talk to me about this sooner?”
• “Why don’t you just ignore her?”
• “I’ve done this a dozen times. It’s not that complicated.”

While this won’t solve all your problems, one tool I like to give couples after their first session is the almighty pause.

Whether it’s stepping away, going outside to breathe and relax, or developing a silly code word together when things get tense. The idea is to do whatever it takes to shut the reactive system down which typically requires elongating the space between your angry reactive feelings and the urge to spew these feelings out with your words. 

The pause could mean a minute, five minutes, or five days. This slowing down mechanism benefits us greatly in relationships because it makes us less prone to the judgmental words.

Essentially, the work before you open your mouth is the most important and influential part of having conversations that heal versus destroy your relationship. Pausing and preparing is about connecting within for energy before you reach for energy from your partner. We are all in training here!

Rachel Glik is a licensed professional counselor with over 30 years as a couples and individual therapist. She has taught and created workshops for organizations such as: YPO, The Kabbalah Centre, Onevillage, University of Missouri and Psychotherapy Saint Louis. Rachel is also the author of “A Soulful Marriage: Healing Your Relationship With Responsibility, Growth, Priority, and Purpose.”

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Excerpt reprinted with permission A Soulful Marriage ©2025 Morehouse Publishing, New York, NY 10016

In the blur of adult life, it’s surprisingly easy to lose touch with people.

When I was younger, I felt comfortable stopping by friends’ houses just to say hi and see what they were up to. No plan, no pressure, and also no reason. In fact, not knowing the outcome was part of the fun! 

But as life got busier, I realized there was often a small internal hesitation when I thought of reaching out to someone: I don’t want to interrupt… It’s been too long… I should have something important to say… So instead, I’d think of someone fondly, feel a brief tug of connection, and then move on with my day, letting the moment pass.

It didn’t feel right. And so, after some false starts, I landed on an approach that removes nearly all of that friction.

I regularly send this 10-word message: “You crossed my mind, and I wanted to say hi.”

A simple text, that’s it. No explanation. No request. No expectation. Just a small signal that says: You matter to me. (If you feel inspired, add an emoji or two, like I usually do!)

You can send this to pretty much anyone in your life, past or present, including friends, colleagues, mentors, or loved ones. It’s simple, unpolished, and almost disarmingly small. And better yet, it always lands.

This message works because it asks for nothing. There’s no obligation baked into it, no implied follow-up, no pressure to perform closeness or produce a meaningful response. It leaves the other person completely free to reply immediately, to reply later, or not to reply at all. In doing so, it creates a sense of emotional safety that many messages unintentionally lack.

In a world that feels increasingly transactional and rushed, being remembered is surprisingly powerful. 

We’re living through what some researchers have begun calling a “friendship recession,” a quiet but profound decline in how people experience and sustain connection. According to a 2025 Pew Research Center survey, 20% of 30- to 49-year-olds feel lonely or isolated all or most of the time, while 24% of 18- to 29-year-olds report feeling the same.  

Loneliness among workers is on the rise, with as many as 20% of employees reporting daily loneliness, according to Gallup’s State of the Global Workplace Report. The same goes for 22% of remote workers and 25% of those under 35. 

Against these backdrops, sending a simple message to someone who crosses your mind matters. There is meaning in simply being thought of and connected with.

I don’t remember the first time I sent this message intentionally, but I do remember noticing how much people appreciated it. 

Sometimes the responses are immediate, and sometimes they arrive hours or days later. Some are quiet (“Thanks for reaching out.”), and others are effusive (“It’s so great to hear from you!”). 

What surprises me isn’t just the warmth of the responses, but also how every so often the timing feels wildly serendipitous. More than once, someone told me they had just been thinking about me. Or they were having a particularly hard day. Or I’d been in one of their dreams recently. To me, this highlights how we’re all more connected than we realize, even when we’re not in touch.

Sometimes, the exchanges naturally end there. But more often than not, they turn into a text conversation, call, or in-person coffee or lunch that adds momentum and connection to my day.

Over the years, I’ve shared this habit with others, and I often hear the same concerns: Wouldn’t that feel awkward? What if they don’t respond? What if it seems random? 

What I’ve gotten comfortable with is that any discomfort is on my (the sender’s) side — and that it’s super brief. Once it’s sent, a message that asks for nothing rarely feels intrusive. And if someone doesn’t respond, it doesn’t negate the kindness of the gesture. The message still did its work.

So who crossed your mind? Send them a quick message. You don’t need any other reason.

Sara Sutton is the founder of Liveand.Love, a platform built around the idea that small actions can meaningfully shape how we experience our days and relationships. She previously founded FlexJobs, Remote.co, and JobDirect, and is widely recognized for her work advancing remote and flexible work. Her insights have been featured by the BBC, The Wall Street Journal, CNN, and Forbes.

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