Parents are constantly searching for ways to get their kids to listen. But a lot of us focus too much on trying to get them to obey in the moment, rather than building genuine long-term cooperation.

I’ve studied over 200 parent-child relationships, and I’m a mother myself. I’ve learned that kids listen best when they feel connected. A big part of that is emotional safety: knowing they are respected and have the freedom to express their feelings.

Here are six magic phrases that calm a child’s nervous system and make cooperation feel natural, which is the real secret to getting them to listen.

The moment kids feel doubted (“Did you really mean to do that?”), their defenses go up. They shift from connection into self-protection.

Belief defuses shame and creates safety. When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you.

Example:

Child: “I didn’t spill the juice on purpose!”

Parent: “I believe you. Let’s clean it up together.”

You’re addressing the behavior without getting into an argument.

The situation often turns into a standoff when there’s a parent just barking orders. But when kids help solve the problem, they’re more likely to stick to the solution.

Example:

Child refuses to clean up toys.

Parent: “I see you don’t want to clean everything now. Let’s figure this out together. What’s the first step?”

You’re still holding the boundary while preventing power struggles.

When kids are overwhelmed, they’re in survival mode and logic doesn’t land. Their nervous system is in fight-or-flight, and they need help regulating their emotions. This phrase validates their feelings and assures them they’re not alone, which helps them reset.

Example:

Preschooler has a meltdown when their tower of blocks fall. Instead of “Stop crying, you’re overreacting,” say: “You can feel this. I’m right here.”

You’re letting the wave of emotions pass until they’re ready to re-engage.

Before a child will listen to you, they need to feel heard. This simple shift of giving attention before demanding it dissolves resistance. When kids feel understood, they stop trying to push back.

Example:

Child: “I’m never playing with my brother again!”

Parent: “I’m listening. Tell me what’s going on.”

Now you’re uncovering the deeper hurt behind the anger, and that’s the part you can address to help repair both the relationship and the behavior.

Many meltdowns escalate because kids feel misunderstood or in conflict with the very person they need most. This phrase instantly shifts you from adversary to ally, lowering defenses and opening the door to problem-solving.

Example:

Child: “This homework is stupid! I’m not doing it.”

Parent: “I hear you. I’m on your side. Let’s find a way to make this easier.”

Knowing you’re there to help changes the tone entirely. They’ll be far more likely to meet you halfway.

Mistakes can trigger shame. But when kids hear this phrase, they learn that love isn’t conditional on performance or perfection.

Example:

Your child breaks a classmate’s project and calls you in tears.

Instead of lecturing, you say: “I’ve got you, no matter what. We’ll make it right together.”

That’s the difference between fear-based compliance and real accountability.  

I always tell parents that if their default is yelling or threatening, then no “magic phrase” will undo the deeper pattern. But when you regularly protect your child’s dignity, make them feel safe, and follow through on boundaries, listening becomes the natural outcome.

Reem Raouda is a leading voice in conscious parenting and the creator of FOUNDATIONS, a step-by-step guide that helps parents heal and become emotionally safe. She is widely recognized for her expertise in children’s emotional safety and for redefining what it means to raise emotionally healthy kids. Connect with her on Instagram.

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There may be no more contentious argument in personal finance than rent vs. buy — and for those on one side of the fence, the case can seem very simple.

Buying home, advocates say, allows you to lock in a rate and build equity in a property that will theoretically appreciate. By comparison, forking over what could be a mortgage payment in the form of rent each month is akin to throwing money away.

It’s a line that Bernadette Joy, author of “Crush Your Money Goals,” has heard before. The self-made millionaire and financial coach gets pushback whenever she cautions against homeownership for homeownership’s sake.

“My favorite thing is to challenge people and say, ‘Show me your amortization table,’” she says. “Show me how much equity you’ve really built.”

Over the first several years of your mortgage, Joy points out, much of your payment goes toward interest rather than the principal. If you’re in a 30-year mortgage, she says, you may find yourself a half a decade in with little equity to show for it, which is why she typically recommends an alternative for clients.

“If you’re going to buy a home, buy it on a 15-year mortgage, because at least you’ll build equity much faster that way,” she says. “If you can’t afford a 15-year mortgage, you can’t really afford the home.”

If you’re currently renting and playing around with mortgage calculators, you may think you could own a home for roughly what you’re paying in rent — even if you’re factoring in some of the prominent costs of homeownership, such as property taxes and home insurance.

But homeownership comes with other hidden costs, Joy says. And going in unprepared could leave you in a precarious financial situation.

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“I have very rarely come across a coaching client that said, ‘You know what, let me actually do the proper math of what I can truly afford on a mortgage,’” she says. “And so what I’m finding with that, is that most people are buying more house than they can actually, practically afford.”

Here are a few things to consider in your calculations.

A pricier mortgage

Joy prefers a 15-year mortgage because you can build equity faster, with more flexibility. Though you’ll eventually start paying down the principal on a 30-year mortgage, it’s a long time to wait, she says.

“How likely is it that you’ll see the [30-year] mortgage through to the bitter end, without selling or refinancing (and starting the clock all over again)?” she wrote in a recent article for Bankrate.

Of course, a shorter mortgage comes at a steeper price. Buy a $435,300 home — the median price according to the National Association of Realtors — with a 20% down payment, and you’re looking at a monthly payment of about $2,500 on a 30-year mortgage, according to Bankrate’s calculator. Bump the loan down to 15 years, and your bill rises to nearly $3,400 a month.

The cost of sizing up

No matter which kind of mortgage you choose, a new home is likely going to be a step up in space over what you were renting, says Joy — and that comes with an increase in costs. For one, you’ll have more rooms to furnish. And since you own the place, you’re probably not going to want to go cheap.

“When I sit down with clients, I say, let’s look at the cost of outfitting this home the way you want it to look,” she says. “People don’t want to furnish their new home with IKEA. They’re going to West Elm.”

Expect to pay more in utilities too, she says, since you have more space to heat and cool. And if you left your city apartment for the house out in the burbs, Joy recommends factoring a longer commute into your budget as well.

Maintenance and other headaches

“You have to budget a certain amount every year for repairs, because that’s just going to be the case,” Joy says.

Homeowners pay an average of $8,808 in annual maintenance costs, according to a recent Bankrate survey. If you don’t have the cash to pay for a fallen tree or a new washing machine or one of the million other things that could come up, you may find yourself making some tough decisions.

“What I see happen to a lot of my clients is, they buy the home and things are good until something breaks,” she says. “Then they get into credit card debt, or they are having to significantly sacrifice other places in their lifestyle in order to accommodate those things.”

Overall, Joy recommends a 50-25-25 approach to budgeting, with 50% of your income going toward living expenses, 25% going toward growing your wealth and the remainder on things you enjoy.

If, after accounting for all the costs, buying a home would put your living expenses over that 50% threshold “the math isn’t mathing,” Joy says.

And even if it is within your budget, make sure that you have enough for an emergency fund, too.

“If you’ve been someone who has not been able to maintain a level of three months’ worth of expenses sitting inside a high yield savings account,” Joy says, “then you’re not ready to buy a home.”

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Most of us never got a formal lesson in how learning works, but we picked up messages about what counts as “smart,” what’s worth knowing, and how we’re supposed to learn. 

But there’s a catch to an education built around knowing the right answers: Life doesn’t always come with a clear solution. And when uncertainty shows up, too many kids freeze. 

Over the past 15 years as a business school professor, I’ve studied how successful people navigate complex problems when there isn’t a step-by-step guide. What I’ve learned is that the ability to move forward wisely when you don’t know the answer is a very valuable skill — and one we should teach our kids as early as possible.

Every summer for the last 12 years, when we go to the beach, I create a themed puzzle hunt for my daughters, niece, and nephew. 

You must try several things out to find the non-obvious insight and solve the puzzle. Think Escape Room meets Treasure Hunt. There are few directions, so there is a lot of uncertainty and confusion. 

For example, one puzzle might just be a bag of jellybeans, and the kids must figure out how that is a clue that would lead to something else. They might try counting the total number of jellybeans and notice that there are different numbers of different colors. Maybe there are two purples, four blues, three yellows, one green, and so on.

Then they might try to take the second letter of the word “purple” and the fourth letter of the word “blue,” which might uncover a string of letters to unscramble, leading them to look for the next clue.

When they were younger, they’d get frustrated fast: “We’re stuck! Just tell us the answer.” Then they’d eat the jellybeans and call it a day. Now, they stay curious and experiment.

More importantly, they’re learning that being smart isn’t about always having the answer. It’s about staying with the problem, trying different approaches, learning from what doesn’t work, and collaborating with others along the way. That’s the kind of thinking that builds resilience, and it’s exactly what kids will need to tackle life’s big challenges. 

If you want your kids to be comfortable with uncertainty, you must model it yourself: 

1. Don’t dismiss doubt. Let your kids know that it’s okay to not know the answer right away and feel two different ways about something. Praise when they spend effort to figure something out. Doubt is a sign that they are facing something meaningful and need to learn. 
2. Help them generate ideas, not just answers. It’s tempting to want to solve problems for your kids, but when we step in too soon, we rob them of the chance to build critical skills. Support them by asking questions about what they could try and what might happen. 
3. Model doubt and decision-making. Don’t hide difficult choices of your own. If they are appropriate to share, walk through your thought process with your kids, show them what you’re doing to learn, and demonstrate curiosity instead of panic.  
4. Make time for play at any age. Creative expression and imagination are essential training grounds for navigating doubt. Activities like music, visual art, or theater give children a space to express themselves and learn about the effects of their choices in a safe environment. 
5. Build healthy habits. A tired brain is a reactive brain. Sleep, nutrition, movement, and strong relationships make it easier to stay calm and think clearly in uncertain situations.

A summer puzzle hunt won’t fix everything. But every time my kids move from “We give up!” to “Let’s try something else,” they’re building mental muscle. Every time they see me navigate uncertainty without falling apart, they’re becoming more resilient by learning how to do it themselves.

Bidhan Parmar, PhD, MBA, is the Shannon G. Smith Bicentennial Professor of Business Administration and Associate Dean for Faculty Development at the Darden School of Business at the University of Virginia. He is a former fellow at the Safra Center for Ethics at Harvard University and was named one of the top 40 business school professors under 40 in the world. Dr. Parmar is the author of ”Radical Doubt: Turning Uncertainty into Surefire Success.”

Adapted excerpt from Radical Doubt by BIDHAN L. PARMAR, available now wherever books are sold. Copyright © 2025 BIDHAN L. PARMAR. Printed with permission of the publisher, Diversion Books. All rights reserved.

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In 1991, Nadeem Bajwa immigrated to the United States from Pakistan. While attending college in Indiana, he worked a few jobs, including delivering pizza for restaurant chain Papa John’s, where he made $4.25 an hour.

Today, the 58-year-old has a fast food empire. Bajwa is now a major franchisee of Papa Johns in North America, with more than 270 locations across the country.

He is also the CEO of Bajco Group, which he co-founded with his two brothers, and holds a diverse portfolio of companies spanning construction, technology, accounting, his Papa Johns portfolio and more.

Bajwa’s path to success wasn’t an easy one. In his early twenties, he was the first in his family to move to the United States, where he encountered many challenges upon arrival.

“Coming to the U.S., actually, that was my first flight [ever.] I’d never flown before,” Bajwa said. “Just getting into the plane, it was a full flight coming here by myself, [there was] a lot of anxiety … but I was determined to make it.”

He said he experienced some culture shock and struggled with communication because he wasn’t fluent in English at the time. “Sometimes, when you are away from family, and you’re alone … it was very, very difficult,” Bajwa said.

To help fund his university expenses, Bajwa picked up some side gigs.

“My first summer, I did three jobs … washing dishes [during] breakfast time, and then delivering pizzas in the afternoon, and late night, working at Taco Bell,” Bajwa told CNBC Make It.

“I was living in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and … I just started delivering for Papa John’s when they came in town and from there, just started loving it, and tips were good, so that helped,” he said.

Bajwa quickly moved up the ranks at Papa John’s. By the time he graduated from university in 1996, he had already transitioned from being a delivery driver to area manager. After graduating, Bajwa applied to a few corporate roles because that’s what he always expected to do after his studies.

“I applied for some jobs, and on back of my mind, I was sort of hoping that I don’t get a corporate job, but I wanted to try it because that was one of the … check marks I had to check,” he said. “I just did not want to have that regret that I never applied, because all of life, I thought I would go corporate sector.”

“But when I went to find a [corporate] job, I couldn’t get [a] job that would pay me … more than what I was already making [at Papa John’s],” Bajwa said. For that reason, he decided to stay in the pizza business, and ended up running multiple pizza stores before becoming a franchisee himself.

In July 2002, with the help of family support and bank loans, Bajwa opened his first Papa John’s store in East Liverpool, Ohio.

“I bought used equipment for very low price, and at that time, I built the store for half [of] what I would have [paid], because I did a lot of [the labor] myself,” he added. “My whole thought was to open with as little money as possible, and spend the money towards marketing.”

The cost for the buildout of his first store was about $150,000, he said.

Bajwa learned a few lessons early on, thanks to some key mistakes.

Before opening his first restaurant location, Bajwa focused heavily on getting the word out about the store’s grand opening.

“I did too much marketing, and the first day [that the store opened], half of the crew walked out because it was chaos,” said Bajwa. “Too many people showed up because I advertised too much, and I focused more on advertising than training people to make pizzas … Then I learned how important it is to be ready before [opening].”

Then, within six months of this first location opening, Bajwa saw that the store’s revenue was ahead of forecasts, so he quickly went on to open a few more locations.

“After two stores, I thought, no problem. We opened three more immediately after that, and guess what, I did not have [the best people] around me, and [then we] started struggling,” he said. So, he and his team had to take a step back and give it some time before trying to expand again.

“There was a time that we grew too fast and hit the pump. [In] 2008, [during the] economic meltdown … those were tough times,” he added. Ultimately, Bajwa said, he’s grateful for these early failures because they taught him all that he knows today.

Throughout his journey, Bajwa said, he learned the importance of self-reflection. “You have to be humble, because the day you start thinking you got it all, I believe your downfall will start.”

In 2024, Bajco Group signed an agreement with Papa Johns International to develop 50 new restaurants by 2028. Bajwa said his goal is to get to 500 restaurant locations. With the growth of his Papa Johns portfolio over the years, Bajwa has also built adjacent businesses.

“We’ve developed a call center, construction arm, offshore accounting setup, and technology arm to bring [efficiencies] to our Papa Johns portfolio, which now have become separate businesses & serve multiple clients within and outside the Papa Johns brand,” he said.

“I never dreamt of this growth. [I just focused on] doing my best … and learning from my mistakes … and the rest just came,” Bajwa said. “So everything started with delivery pizza. Can you believe that?”

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Your future success and happiness likely depends on your willingness to take calculated risks, says social scientist and Harvard University professor Arthur Brooks.

Fortunately for the naturally risk-averse, you can nurture and develop your ability to take big leaps of faith — after doing the necessary research and soul-searching — Brooks writes in his newest book, “The Happiness Files,” which published on August 12. The trick, according to Brooks, is to think like an entrepreneur and treat your life like a startup.

“If you treat your life the way a great entrepreneur treats an exciting startup enterprise, your life will be happier, more meaningful, and more successful than it otherwise would be,” writes Brooks, who teaches courses on the subject of happiness at Harvard.

Starting a new business is inherently risky, and many end up failing. But the courage and confidence you need to launch a new venture can also result in financial reward, greater control in your career and overall fulfillment if it’s successful, Brooks notes.

The same logic applies outside of entrepreneurship, he writes: People must be “willing to take and manage appropriate risks in an effort to build a life of outsized rewards.”

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Brooks recommends working to imagine all potential outcomes of your risky decision, both positive and negative. You might need to conduct some research, like when a prospective entrepreneur researches markets and consumer trends, and weigh the risk against the reward. If the possible outcomes seem worth the risk, then your thought exercise could help you ease your concerns.

“In some cases, the odds of failure are so high and the consequences so dire that the act is reckless, writes Brooks, adding: “If it sounds simultaneously possible and terrifying, you’ll know you’ve found the right thing.”

Switching jobs, or even careers, can be scary, but it could also help get you out of a rut and lead to greater success and fulfillment down the road. Taking out a mortgage to buy a home is a risk, but it can become a valuable asset as long as you budget appropriately. Committing to a romantic relationship comes with the inherent risk of potential heartbreak if things don’t work out, but doing so can also lead to a lifetime of meaningful companionship.

The biggest factor that typically prevents us from taking these types of risks is “the fear of future regret,” according to Brooks. “Humans have astonishing mental time-travel abilities,” he writes. “We are able to imagine  ourselves in a future state, feeling chagrin for a decision we’re making right now — which in turn affects that decision.”

Those fears of regret have been shown to inspire “risk avoidance” that often prevents people from taking potentially beneficial risks, research shows.

If you’re someone who struggles to psyche yourself up to take more risks, some experts recommend starting out with a few “micro-risks” per day to build your confidence. They can even be something as simple as ignoring your awkwardness to make small talk with someone you just met, workplace performance coach Henna Pryor told CNBC Make It in May 2024.

Just the act of carefully considering a risky decision before ultimately taking the jump can increase your happiness and confidence, Brooks writes: You’ll bask in the satisfaction of tackling a new challenge, whether it ultimately succeeds or not.

“If you want to raise your happiness by taking a risk, you need to do it right, and not just by acting on impulse,” writes Brooks, adding: “Making a plan allows you to savor the person you want to become — a person who does a hard thing of her own volition, precisely because it is hard.”

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