Parents know all too well what it’s like to deal with a kid who refuses to listen: It’s frustrating.

But after years of studying over 200 parent-child relationships, I’ve noticed something fascinating: Parents who rarely deal with defiance don’t make threats, bribes or harsh consequences. They use language that makes children actually want to cooperate.

Traditional parenting phrases (“Stop that,” or “If you don’t do this, then…”) often trigger a child’s fight-or-flight response, activating the part of the brain focused on survival rather than learning. But when we shift to language that honors a child’s autonomy while still holding boundaries, cooperation becomes natural.

Based on my research, and from practicing healthy habits with my own child, here are five toxic phrases that instantly make kids not want to listen — and what to say instead.

What to say instead: “I know you don’t like this decision. I’ll explain, and then we’re moving forward.”

Why it works: “Because I said so” shuts down communication and teaches blind obedience. But explaining your reasoning, even just briefly, helps your child feel respected.

You’re not debating or negotiating — you’re modeling respectful leadership. This phrasing acknowledges their feelings and reinforces that you’re in charge in a calm, grounded way.

What to say instead: “When you’re ready to do [X specific behavior], we can do [X desired activity].”

Why it works: Threats create defiance because they force children into defense mode. This phrase shifts the power dynamic: It keeps your boundary firm while giving your child agency over when they’re ready to meet it. You’re not removing the limit — you’re removing the struggle.

What to say instead: “I see you’re really upset. Tell me what’s happening.”

Why it works: Dismissing a child’s emotions teaches them that their feelings are wrong or too much to handle. Emotional invalidation leads to disconnection, and disconnected kids don’t cooperate.

When a child feels heard, they calm down faster — and trust you more.

What to say instead: “I’ve asked about this a few times. Help me understand what’s making this hard for you.”

Why it works: This frustrated question assumes the child is being intentionally difficult. But often, what looks like defiance is actually confusion, disconnection or a lagging skill. The reframe invites problem-solving instead of blame — and that gets to the root of the issue.

What to say instead: “Something’s getting in the way of your best self right now. Let’s talk about it.”

Why it works: “You know better” shames the child and questions their integrity.

But the alternative phrase reflects a mindset shift — from punishment to partnership. It assumes the best in your child and encourages self-reflection instead of defensiveness. It sends the message: “I believe in you, and I’m here to help.”

It’s not about controlling your child’s behavior — it’s about creating the conditions where cooperation feels natural.

Children thrive when they feel respected, emotionally safe and involved in the process. These phrase shifts are not just linguistic tweaks — they represent a deeper shift in how we view parenting itself. Instead of treating defiance as something to squash, we begin to see it as a signal: a call for connection, clarity or emotional support.

When we respond with empathy and leadership, rather than control and criticism, we reduce power struggles and raise children who trust us, regulate themselves more easily, and grow into emotionally resilient adults.

Reem Raouda is a leading voice in conscious parenting and the creator of FOUNDATIONS — the transformative healing journal for parents ready to break cycles, do the inner work, and become the emotionally safe parent their child needs. She is widely recognized for her groundbreaking work in children’s emotional safety and strengthening the parent-child bond. Follow her on Instagram.

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Most people in the early stages of a new romance look for evidence that confirms their compatibility. Not my husband and me.

Despite having chemistry, we started with the hypothesis that we weren’t a good match. We would discover a deal-breaker down the road — something big like how much money we wanted to give our aging parents or something small like what temperature room we like to sleep in — that would lead to our demise.

At the time, we were both tenured professors in the same academic department at the same university. If things went bust, it would be very uncomfortable to go to work each day. Academic jobs are hard to come by, which meant we might be stuck in that awkward situation for life. 

So we created a list of questions, guided by basic principles of relationship science, that are critical for couples to openly communicate about if they want to know whether they’re really compatible. Unlike the questions you find on dating apps, they don’t apply to everyone. We tailored our list to us. If you’re making a list with your current or prospective partner, I’d suggest you do the same.

But to help you build your questionnaire, here are the main themes you should focus on, with a few examples to get you started: 

Conflict over money is a big driver of divorce. Couples fight over big money issues but also small ones, like whether they should spend money on a house cleaner. These issues can lead to a pattern of conflict that is tough to get out of. 

Ask questions like:

• Do you like to spend money as you make it, or squirrel it away for later?
• How much should we each pay for stuff? Split dinners? Share costs of vacations?

The stress we feel at work has an outsized effect on our interpersonal relationships, even influencing sexual function, like the ability to reach orgasm.  

Ask questions like:

• How do you manage workplace stress?
• How important is your job to your identity? 
• How do you feel about making sacrifices for my career?

Money and career are must-discuss topics, and, depending on your circumstances, so are other big categories like kids, parents, and religion. 

Ask questions like:

• Do you want any kids (or any more kids)? 
• What are your thoughts about co-sleeping with kids? 
• How often do you want to visit your parents? 
• How important is it to you that they like me? What if they don’t?
• If I’m religious (or anti-religious), would that bug you?

When we have chemistry with someone and feel aligned with them on big things like values and goals, we assume the daily things will fall into place. But they can be real relationship deal-breakers.  

Sleep is a must on this list; it’s one the strongest predictors of health outcomes and relationship satisfaction. But I also suggest touching on food, pets, humor, and time alone. 

Ask questions like:

• What’s your ideal bedtime? 
• Do you have sleep apnea? Do you see a CPAP machine (a breathing machine used to treat sleep apnea) in your future?
• Do you like to cook, eat take out, or both?
• Do you like pets? Cats and dogs, or fish and lizards?
• Are you allergic to pets?
• Can we poke fun of each other or does that bug you?

When I think about the importance of physical intimacy, I’m reminded of a scene from “Annie Hall.” Annie and her partner Alvy are both in therapy, shown on a split screen. Their respective therapists ask them, “Do you have sex often?” Alvy laments, “Hardly ever, maybe three times a week,” whereas Annie responds in an exasperated, annoyed tone, “Constantly, I’d say three times a week.” 

Despite its outsized effect on relationship longevity and physical health, we don’t have good social scripts for talking about sex. 

Ask questions like:

• How much sex do you like?
• How open are you about your preferences? 
• What are you into? What are you not into? 

What we’re “allowed” to talk about in relationships is based on norms, and when it comes to relationships, these norms are often morally tinged. There’s a category of taboo questions where even thinking them — let alone asking them out loud — violates social norms. 

In some cases, you’re too embarrassed to ask the question. In others, you worry that caring about the answer will reflect poorly on your character. Ours included questions about family history of mental health problems. 

Here are some others I’ve encountered in my work: 

• Have you ever struggled with a weight problem?
• How do you feel about consensual non-monogamy? 
• Have you ever hit a partner? 
• When you die, are you giving everything to your kids? Or is your will negotiable and could include me? 
• Among widows and widowers: Do you want to be buried next to your (dead) spouse?

We often slide into relationships, rather than making thoughtful, deliberate decisions. Going through this exercise won’t make you feel comfortable, but that’s not the goal. 

What good will avoiding that temporary discomfort do when you find yourself lying awake next to the love of your life, his cat that you’re allergic to at the foot of the bed, feeling all hot and sweaty because he likes it balmy at night and you love the air conditioner?   

Tessa West is a social psychologist and professor at New York University. She has spent years leveraging science to help people solve interpersonal conflicts in the workplace. She’s the author of ”Jerks at Work: Toxic Coworkers and What to Do About Them″ and ”Job Therapy: Finding Work That Works for You.” She is an instructor in CNBC’s online course How to Change Careers and Be Happier at Work.

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Workers in their 50s are consistently contributing to their 401(k)s, but many still have balances that fall short of recommended retirement savings goals, according to a recent Fidelity report, which analyzed data from more than 24 million of its 401(k) accounts through March 31.

Here’s how much workers in their 50s have in their accounts, on average:

• Ages 50 to 54: $193,100
• Ages 55 to 59: $236,200

Fidelity recommends workers aim to save six times their salary by age 50 and eight times by age 60. For someone earning the median income for that age group — roughly $67,000 — that translates to a target between $402,000 and $536,000.

Based on those targets, many 50-somethings are well behind. But that shortfall doesn’t necessarily reflect a lack of effort. Gen Xers — who make up most of this age group — have an average savings rate of 15.4%, according to the study, slightly above Fidelity’s recommended 15% rate.

And 401(k) balances only tell part of the story. Fidelity’s benchmarks are based on total retirement savings, which can also include individual retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, pensions or inheritances, so total retirement savings for people in their 50s could be a lot higher.

Even so, for workers who got a late start or faced setbacks along the way, it can be difficult to close the gap — especially if retirement is just around the corner.

If you’re behind on retirement savings, “the worst thing you can do is nothing,” says Melissa Caro, a certified financial planner in New York City.

“Start with a full financial assessment: List your savings, income, debt and what you actually spend,” she recommends. From there, you can identify where to cut back or earn more, and redirect the extra cash into retirement accounts.

“Every dollar you free up from subscriptions, lower cell plans or side gigs needs to be redirected into your retirement accounts — especially catch-up contributions,” Caro says. Workers 50 and older can contribute an additional $7,500 on top of the $23,500 401(k) limit in 2025. They can also contribute an extra $1,000 to an IRA beyond the $7,000 standard limit.

Even small increases in your contributions can make a big difference. For example, if you start with the average 401(k) balance of $193,100 at age 50 and contribute $200 a month with a 7% annual return, your savings could grow to about $711,000 by age 67.

However, whether those savings are enough will depend on your personal goals. Some savers may need to rethink their retirement plans, perhaps with the help of a financial planner. That could mean delaying retirement, reducing living expenses to allow for higher contributions or easing into retirement with part-time work.

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If there’s one emotion that’s tough to deal with, it’s anger. Growing up, many of us learn that expressing it means we’re “problematic” or “mean.” But anger is not a character flaw. It’s an important messenger that shows up when you’re violated, hurt, or wronged.  

As a psychologist and emotions-focused therapist with over 20 years of experience, I’ve seen how people’s relationship with anger influences how they approach it. 

Those who avoid the emotion tend to feel stuck and powerless. Those who befriend their anger can make good use of its message. When handled wisely, anger helps you deal with conflict, make sound choices, and stand up for yourself. 

Here are five ways emotionally savvy people work with their anger:

Most of us suppress our anger occasionally. For example, if your partner angers you at a party, you might bite your tongue until you get home. 

Burying your anger over and over, however, can hurt your mental health. It’s associated with irritability, guilt, reduced life satisfaction, and depression. 

Emotionally savvy people don’t let suppression become the norm. Instead, they name their anger, a process known as “affect labeling.” Naming your anger validates its existence. It also calms down the limbic system of the brain, which takes the edge off sharp feelings. 

Insults. Door slams. Yelling. These are a few ways anger gets “acted out” in hurtful ways. Emotionally intelligent people don’t unleash their rage like this. They use anger as an instrument, not a weapon. 

Anger is meant to protect us, which is why it pops up when someone disrespects you, spills your secrets, or crosses a boundary. 

Handling anger sensibly means communicating with words instead of actions. Yet the fear of being disliked, misunderstood, or blamed might make it challenging to express yourself. If anger was off limits when you were growing up, or shown in scary ways, staying silent can feel safer than speaking up. 

Here are two ways to start a conversation: 

• “I’d like to talk with you about something that upset me…”
• “This is hard for me to say because I care about you. I felt angry when…”

Those who own their anger don’t blame it on others. Instead, they take responsibility. Use two questions to guide you: 

• “What is out of my control?” 
• “What is within my control?”

You can’t force someone to apologize or make anyone change. And pouring your energy into a lost cause can make frustration and negative feelings fester. 

What’s in your power is how you handle your anger. Even small steps make a difference. Taking a few deep belly breaths instills calm. Talking or texting with a friend helps blow off steam. Going for a walk in nature helps lower cortisol levels and unwind stress. 

Focusing on what you can do helps you feel more empowered and confident. 

Historically, anger has fueled societal change and efforts to support those in need. In other words, anger can motivate advocacy, volunteering, and activism. 

Let your anger inspire you by identifying ways to help your community. If economic inequities or food waste or public health failures or another issue makes you livid, consider channeling your anger into volunteering with a political campaign promoting policies you support. Turn to a pet shelter, your local garden, or a nonprofit organization. If your time is limited, consider donating even a small amount to a worthy cause. 

Positive actions make good use of your anger. And community involvement conveys empathy, which can boost your mood. Spending time with like-minded people also reminds you that you aren’t alone. 

Since anger often feels terrible, it’s easy to label the emotion as “bad.” Casting anger in this light can spark self-judgment. You might think that feeling outrage makes you an awful person. This belief can hold you back from exploring and understanding the emotion.

Emotionally intelligent people realize that anger isn’t a critic; it’s a teacher. They use tools like self-reflection to deepen their relationship with it. Ask yourself:

1. “What is my anger trying to tell me right now?” It might be letting you know that something needs to change, for example, or that a relationship no longer works. 
2. “Is my anger connected to any wounds from my past?” For example, being mistreated as a child might make you sensitive to slights or rejection now.

When you decipher anger’s message, you can advocate for yourself and make decisions that benefit you. You might end a hurtful friendship, quit a toxic job, or begin therapy to heal old wounds. 

Anger is never the enemy. When handled with compassion, it fuels self-growth and helps you flourish. 

Dr. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with new parents. She is a co-author of the forthcoming book “Parents Have Feelings, Too.” She also teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, where she also supervises psychiatry residents. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.

Are you ready to buy a house? Take Smarter by CNBC Make It’s new online course How to Buy Your First Home. Expert instructors will help you weigh the cost of renting vs. buying, financially prepare, and confidently navigate every step of the process—from mortgage basics to closing the deal. Sign up today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $97 (+taxes and fees) through July 15, 2025.

Rude people are, sadly, all around us. We deal with them at work, in stores and restaurants, on airplanes and public transit, even at home. They get in our faces and yell. They blame us for things they’ve done. They make everything unpleasant.

Luckily, handling rudeness is not hard as you might think. There are several tactics: addressing the rudeness; setting clear boundaries of what you will and won’t put up with; shifting the conversation away from the negative; and, probably most important, staying calm and cool.

As language and communication experts, here are the phrases that calmly demand respect and put rude people in their place.

This is a classic redirection tactic. You’re centering the conversation on the other person, not you.

Sometimes people just need a little reminder that they’re actually acting out about something completely different than the matter at hand. And often, getting the opportunity to reflect upon this or talk about it changes the entire situation.

Similar phrases: 

• “Are you going through something right now that’s affecting you like this?”
• “Are you having a problem? Do you want to talk about it?”
• “Have I done something to upset you?”

Addressing someone’s rudeness head on is a key component to dealing effectively with incivility. By using this phrase, you’re telling the speaker that what they’re saying is unacceptable, and that perhaps they need to reassess their words. 

Research studies discovered that reminding someone that they’re being rude can make them realize they need to correct their behavior.

Similar phrases:

• “Are you listening to yourself here?”
• “Do you realize what you’re saying, and how you’re saying it?”
• “Are you aware that you’re coming across as harsh and abrasive?”

This is similar to the previous phrase, except you’re not saying it straight out — you’re implying that you don’t like what they just said.

Phrases like this stop the conversation in its tracks and force the speaker to rethink what they’re saying, while also making it clear that you won’t allow it to continue.

Similar phrases:

• “Why are you using those words [or that tone] with me?”
• “How you’re talking [or what you’re saying] isn’t very helpful.”
• “Can you lower your voice [or change your attitude]?”

This is an example of setting boundaries, a main aspect of coping with rudeness. You’re calmly letting the person know you refuse to continue with the current situation, and you’re redirecting the negative energy onto a positive path.

Similar phrases:

• “Can we address this more productively?”
• “Let’s stop with the negativity and focus on finding a solution.”
• “Why don’t we continue this when we can be respectful of one another?”

Saying that you understand what someone is saying in spite of the manner in which they’re saying it defuses the situation by acknowledging them.

Often a big cause of rudeness, especially in the workplace, is the fear of not being noticed or paid attention to. The simple “I see your point” gets past that obstacle.

Similar phrases:

• “I’m glad you’re sharing your perspective with me.”
• “That’s definitely a way of looking at it.”
• “I hear you.”

Here’s another “I acknowledge you” statement, with an added “stay cool.” You’re inviting the person to continue speaking, but (and this is important) stressing that the conversation can’t continue the way it began. It’s boundary-setting and defusing at the same time.

Similar phrases:

• “Let’s reset the tone a bit so I can really focus on what you’re saying, not on how you’re saying it.”
• “I know you’re frustrated, but we can work through this if you dial it down a notch.”
• “It’s clear this is important to you, but let’s step back and take it slowly.”

This very simple request can stop rude behavior or conversation in its tracks. The key, though, is saying it quietly and politely. Matching rudeness with rudeness only escalates things.

Similar phrases:

• “Don’t say [or do] that, please.”
• “Could you quiet down?”
• “Please give me a chance to speak.”

That’s right. Saying nothing at all, and just looking at the other person in silence, can sometimes be the most effective method of shutting down aggressiveness or rudeness. It’s difficult for someone to amp up the situation when there’s nothing to fight back against. 

Finally, if you feel your anger rising and can tell that you’re about to fight fire with fire, it’s best to physically remove yourself. This way, instead of escalating the situation, you’re giving yourself — and possibly the other person — the time and space to cool down.

Kathy and Ross Petras are the brother-and-sister co-authors of the New York Times bestseller You’re Saying It Wrong, along with other popular language books, and co-hosts of the award-winning NPR syndicated radio show and podcast ”You’re Saying It Wrong.” They’ve also been featured in media outlets including The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post and Harvard Business Review. Follow them on Bluesky.

Are you ready to buy a house? Take Smarter by CNBC Make It’s new online course How to Buy Your First Home. Expert instructors will help you weigh the cost of renting vs. buying, financially prepare, and confidently navigate every step of the process—from mortgage basics to closing the deal. Sign up today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $97 (+taxes and fees) through July 15, 2025.

Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It’s newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life, and request to join our exclusive community on LinkedIn to connect with experts and peers.