Psychologist: If you say ‘no’ to 4 questions, you may be unhappy in your relationship—without realizing

Many of us already know the components of a healthy relationship — things like strong communication, total honesty, and unwavering commitment. But most people don’t actually know what these qualities look like in practice.

As a result, couples may find themselves in a miserable situation. Even worse, they don’t recognize it due to unhealthy habits like emotional numbing, suppression, or normalizing issues. When you’re stuck in familiarity and routine, it’s hard to stop and assess your feelings.

As a psychologist who studies couples, I often recommend a quick survey to couples. If you find yourself answering “no” to all the questions, there’s a chance you may be unhappy in your relationship, but not realize it.

1. Do you feel like you’re on the same team during conflict?

In relationships, conflict is both inevitable and necessary. But the way you fight matters more than what you’re fighting about. If it always feels like it’s you versus your partner, instead of the two of you versus the problem, it’s worth assessing why.

Research on conflict resolution shows that when both partners believe a disagreement is solvable, they’re more likely to find a way forward. But you can’t rely solely on optimism; you need a shared and clear-cut strategy. Otherwise, arguments can turn into emotional duels and over time lead to distance and resentment.

If your answer to this question is “no,” ask yourself: “What are we fighting for?” If the answer isn’t the relationship itself, sit down together to discuss and reestablish what it really means to be a team.

2. Can you be your most authentic self around your partner?

The healthiest relationships give you room to breathe. To laugh loudly, ugly cry, make a mess, and be weird. Research notes that people who feel secure in expressing themselves in authentic, unrefined ways are more likely to engage in healthier relationship behaviors.

If you have to constantly remind yourself to suppress parts of your personality, you’ll slowly start to lose invaluable parts of your identity.

If you answered “no” here, you need to pause and reflect. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t flinch when they’re met with your most real, honest self. Great partners see this as a special privilege. It shouldn’t feel like something that has to be “tolerated.”

3. Are they genuinely curious about your inner world?

In the early wooing stages, curiosity comes naturally. You want to know everything about each other — what they’re thinking, how they see the world, what makes them tick. But later on, that curiosity can dwindle.

Research asserts that curiosity is a fundamental tool for emotional intimacy. If your partner stops asking questions about your thoughts, feelings, or experiences, they’ll never get to know the new versions of you that are born each and every day.

A “no” to this question could suggest that your relationship is running on autopilot. A partner who’s truly invested in you will keep asking, keep listening, and keep learning about who you are.

4. Do they take accountability when they mess up?

Mistakes don’t matter nearly as much as how they’re handled in the aftermath. Does your partner own up to their faults and try to make things right? Or do they dodge responsibility, get defensive, and turn the blame onto you?

Research on conflict repair teaches us that even the smallest gestures — acknowledging a mistake, offering a sincere apology, or even using humor — can stop an argument from spiraling. But when accountability is absent, you’ll eventually start questioning whether you can trust each other at all.

If your partner never takes ownership, or if they consistently make you feel like the “difficult” one for bringing up a concern, it might be time to regroup and reconsider what’s keeping you invested. Honesty, humility, and a genuine desire to do better should be a bilateral norm in a relationship.

Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org.

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How much Americans have in their 401(k)s at every income level

It’s not uncommon for Americans to feel like they’re not saving enough for retirement — no matter their age or income level.

But earning a higher salary can help you save more, as long as you increase your contributions along with your income. So it may not be surprising that workers with higher incomes tend to have higher 401(k) balances, according to newly released data from asset management firm Vanguard.

The median balance of defined contribution plans — which are employer-sponsored retirement plans like 401(k)s or 403(b)s — among workers making between $100,000 and $149,999 is nearly double what workers making $50,000 to $74,999 have invested, per Vanguard. The firm examined data from nearly 5 million participants across its defined contribution plans.

Here’s how much workers have in their retirement savings plans at each income level.

Notably, the average balances are significantly higher than the median balances. The median is often a more representative figure, however, because averages can be skewed if a small number of participants have significantly higher or lower amounts invested.

And keep in mind these figures only represent savings held in Vanguard defined contribution plans. Investors may have additional retirement accounts with other plan providers or separate brokerage accounts.

Americans are saving money earlier and ‘more consistently’

Despite ongoing macroeconomic uncertainty like stubbornly high prices and recession fears, many Americans have prioritized their long-term financial goals through retirement account contributions.

“There has been persistent, year-over-year progress in retirement savings behaviors,” David Stinnett, head of strategic retirement consulting at Vanguard, told CNBC Make It in an email. “Seemingly regardless of market and economic conditions, we find that workers are getting started saving earlier, saving more of their paycheck, and investing their savings in age-appropriate asset allocations more consistently.”

Regardless of income, one factor that has helped boost savers’ balances is automatic enrollment. Employees with 10 or more years of tenure who were automatically enrolled in their company’s retirement plan had median account balances roughly 60% higher than those who had to opt-in to contributions, the same Vanguard study found.

The median balance among auto-enrolled investors with at least 10 years of service was $192,372 in 2024, compared with $121,094 for voluntary enrollees.

“We’re encouraged by how employers design their 401(k) plans to make it easy for workers to save and invest for retirement, and automatic enrollment is a big part of that,” Stinnett said.

I’m 79 years old and the ‘father of functional medicine’: My daily routine for a healthy life

Jeffrey Bland, 79, is considered the “father of functional medicine.” He’s devoted most of his lifetime to studying the origins of diseases to focus on prevention in healthcare.

The main question Bland’s research looks to answer is this one: “Could we move to a form of healthcare where we’re spending more time worrying about and focusing on how to keep a person from being sick than just treating the sick downstream?”

In 1991, he launched the Institute for Functional Medicine with his wife, Susan, to build off of the research he did under two-time Nobel Laureate Linus Pauling at the Linus Pauling Institute of Science and Medicine in the 1980s. He later launched the Personalized Lifestyle Medicine Institute, of which he is the founder and president.

Bland turned 79 earlier this year and still practices a lot of what he’s learned is helpful for living a long, healthy life. Here’s what he does every day to stay in good health.

He starts off believing he’s ‘worthy of good health’

Bland begins with his mindset. “I think you need to start off each day believing that you’re worthy of good health,” he says.

“For me, the first thing is to wake up every morning and just say how grateful you are to be there, to have another day and to do the best job you can and be healthy through your activities,” he says. “That sets the context for everything that follows.”

He devotes an hour a day to physical activity

Every day, Bland does something that’s good for his body. “I try to get at least an hour of some kind of physical activity,” he says. “It could be run-walking, it could be some kind of aerobics. My wife [and I] have a reformer at home for Pilates.”

Bland also suggests keeping a health journal. Track your eating habits, goals you’ve set to improve your overall health and how you’re spending the hour a day you’re designating for physical activity. Through monitoring your daily behaviors, you can determine which foods, exercises, sleep habits and more tend to make you feel your best.

He seeks out colorful fruits and vegetables

When it comes to his diet, Bland says he focuses on adding more color to his meals. Colorful fruits and vegetables, like strawberries and kale, have phytonutrients that give the foods their distinct colors and tastes, according to Harvard Health Publishing.

Eating plant foods that have phytonutrients can decrease your chances of developing chronic diseases like cardiovascular disease and cancer, the Harvard blog reports. Flavonoids have also been associated with a lower risk of cognitive decline.

He devotes an hour to unwinding

Bland schedules at least an hour each day for “meditating relaxation” before bed.

“For me, it’s recreational reading. My job forces me to do a lot of technical reading,” he says. When he reads for fun, Bland particularly enjoys books about nature and adventure.

“I don’t go to sleep thinking about that last email or that last article or that last thing I was writing,” he says.

He remembers his purpose

Bland’s work in functional medicine gives him a sense of purpose that extends beyond just himself, he says. He’s learned that whether its work, spirituality or philanthropy, having a purpose that positively impacts many, and connects him with others, is necessary for him to feel fulfilled in life.

It’s important to have “something that takes you out of the focus on yourself to the fact that you are part of this much broader system that is going to be here after you,” he says.

Contributing to his legacy daily fuels him: “Whatever you contribute is always going to be there.”

Look inside: Couple bought a chateau in France for $835,000, turned it into a bed and breakfast

After years of living in San Francisco, California natives Malana Moberg, 59, and Roland Salvato, 64, were ready for a change.

Salvato had spent approximately 30 years working as a project manager, while Moberg worked as a marketing consultant. After a stint running their own company, The RoMa Group, they decided to the countryside to start a bed and breakfast.

“We had lived in San Francisco and experienced everything that the wonderful city has to offer and we wanted to change,” Moberg tells CNBC Make It. “We love traveling and entertaining so we thought this could be an interesting second career for us.”

The idea to start a bed and breakfast didn’t come from a desire to make money. Instead, Salvato and Moberg were looking for a challenge to take on in their next chapter.

“We obviously made good money, but it wasn’t the goal of either of our lives,” Salvato says. “Experience is much more important than material wealth. Any investment in our curiosity about life is worthwhile.”

The couple began their search for a new home, looking for a property that would not only have space for plenty of guests, but also for animals.

“I always knew I wanted to move to the country. I just didn’t know which country,” Salvato says.

They looked in Spain, Portugal and North Africa, but France and its rich history kept calling to them. It also helped that Salvato already spoke French.

They scoured the country looking for the perfect spot, eventually ending up in a town called Druelle Balsac. Here, they found a chateau that felt perfect. The 6,458 square feet property was listed for 736,000 euros (approximately $835,000 USD) and included a main chateau with three bedrooms and three-and-a-half bathrooms, and a four-bedroom, two-bathroom guest house.

The chateau’s foundation dates back to the 12th century, and other parts of the property were built in the 14th and 15th centuries.

In 2017, Moberg and Salvato sold their San Francisco apartment for $1.45 million and used that money to purchase the chateau in cash. They put the rest of the money towards renovations and living expenses. The chateau hadn’t been renovated or had any upgrades in 50 years.

“We decided we want to make it great for us first, because we have to live here, we have to be comfortable,” Salvato says.

Renovations started in 2018 and are still ongoing. The two estimate they’ve spent about $332,000 on the work so far — including the dining room, living room and kitchen.

But the property is generating some income for them. They were able to open the guesthouse to visitors for $238 a night, and have three rooms in the chateau available for $187 a night.

‘A very expensive French lesson’

At Château de Balsac, the couple offers week-long, all-inclusive workshops on yoga, cooking, book arts, drawing and painting for roughly $4,500 per person.

The workshops help the bed and breakfast stay booked outside of the summer, which is typically their busiest season. Last year, the chateau hosted 60 guests and generated $22,000 in revenue, according to documents reviewed by CNBC Make It. The couple’s estimated monthly expenses are around $2,212 for utilities, insurance and Wi-Fi. Last year, they paid about $2,000 in property taxes.

The business isn’t profitable yet, but the income helps them get by.

“That little amount of money doesn’t sound like much but it really helps us cover a lot of the costs of the chateau, which is really what we were looking to do,” Moberg says.

Until the bed and breakfast turns a profit, the couple is using their savings to cover living expenses.

“I guess you could say this has been a very expensive French lesson,” Salvato says.

And though the couple enjoys living and hosting guests at the chateau, they are most proud that they have been able to breathe new life into the property.

“We are merely caretakers of this piece of history and this legacy for the next generation,” Salvato says.

Conversions to USD were done on June 2, 2025, using OANDA conversion rates of 1 euro to 1.13 USD. All amounts are rounded to the nearest dollar.

Use the ‘80-10-10’ rule to know if you’ve found the right house, says real estate agent of 10 years

As a real estate broker of 10 years, working with clients whose budgets range from $300,000 to $3 million, I can confidently say that there is no perfect house.

Many buyers begin their home search with a long list of “must-haves” and “nice-to-haves.” This is a great starting point, but you can quickly get stuck in the weeds. The real clarity comes once you begin touring homes in person, because that’s when you start to truly understand what you need versus what you want.

But no matter the budget, location, or market conditions, every home comes with trade-offs. The key is knowing how to evaluate what matters most to you. That’s where the “80-10-10 Rule” comes in.

Use the 80-10-10 rule to simplify your search

I did not make up the 80-10-10 rule — I wish I knew who did so we could credit that person. But over time, it’s become a widely adapted industry metric.

Using it as a guideline, the right house for you will have:

80% of what you love: This is the foundation of your dream home — the elements you can’t live without. Think location, lot size, or architectural style. These are the features you’ll be hard-pressed to change.

10% of what you can improve: These are things you can upgrade over time to bring the home closer to your vision, such as paint color, countertops, flooring, or cosmetic fixtures. Improvements can be done as you settle in.

10% of what you can live with: There might be a neighbor’s fence you’re not keen on, a water tower in the distance — and although these aren’t ideal, they may not be deal-breakers. If it’s minor and livable, don’t let it overshadow the 90% that works.

How to make the most informed decisions about your future home

Most of my clients end up touring somewhere between five to 10 homes before making an offer. If you fall in love with a property early on, I often recommend touring a few more just to reaffirm your decision. Sometimes that first one really is the one, but it’s helpful to have context and you can quickly line up a few other showings.

But to help buyers stay focused and make informed decisions, I created what I call the “L.O.V.E. Framework.” It’s designed to cut through the noise and keep you grounded when touring properties. Because when emotions run high, having a system to fall back on makes all the difference.

Here’s what L.O.V.E. stands for:

Location: Where is the property situated? Is it close to work, schools, transit, or lifestyle essentials that matter most to you? Location is one of the few things you can’t change, so it should be a top priority.
Offerings: What is the home actually offering in terms of specs: bedroom/bathroom count, square footage, garage, yard, systems, and infrastructure? Does it meet your current and future needs?
Value add: Is there potential to improve or build equity over time? Examples include: unfinished basements, cosmetic updates, expansion potential, or zoning upside.
Exit strategy: What’s the resale potential? Even if you plan to stay long-term, it’s wise to consider how the home will perform in the future market if you ever decide to sell or rent it out.

This acronym helps my clients cut through distractions and focus on the fundamentals that matter most for both lifestyle and long-term value.

Whether you’re just starting your search or feeling stuck midway, remember: There’s no perfect house. but with the right frameworks and systems, there is a right house for you.

Dana Bull is a real estate agent, investor, and partner at Strobeck Antonell Bull & Co. at Compass, an award-winning team proudly serving the Greater Boston area. She is an Accredited Buyer’s Representative (ABR) and Certified Real Estate Negotiation Expert (RENE). She is a mom of four, and a passionate collector of old and antique homes, drawn to properties with character, quirks and stories to tell.