Relationships don’t fall apart overnight. More often than not, they crumble under the weight of small missteps that quietly accumulate — until they become too heavy to manage.

As a psychologist who studies couples, I’ve seen many versions of this. Partners come into my office thinking their problem has something to do with frequent fights or arguments. But when we dig deeper, we often find the same root cause: what they say to each other in their arguments.

There’s one phrase I’ve seen come up in these exchanges that’s more damaging than you may think: “Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?”

If you use this toxic phrase, your relationship is in trouble.

At first glance, it might seem like a throwaway line or a sigh of frustration in the middle of an argument.

What couples fail to recognize is that the person named is actually irrelevant, whether it’s an ex, a best friend’s girlfriend, or even “how you used to be.” The real message will always remain the same: “You’re not enough, and someone else — anyone else — could do a better job at being my partner.”

Over time, this kind of comparison can give rise to irreparable insecurity issues. Rather than feeling loved for who they are, the person on the receiving end will start questioning their worth and constantly wonder if they’re living up to expectations.

DON’T MISS: How to successfully change careers and be happier at work

Relationships can’t thrive when we ask our partner to be someone they’re not. Happiness can only be achieved when we communicate what we need clearly, without shame or comparison.

That’s why this phrase itself isn’t the real problem. It’s usually a symptom of a much deeper dysfunction: the fear of openly speaking up.

Research helps explain why some partners might not express their frustrations openly — at least, not at first. According to one study, when a partner feels uncertain about the relationship, or unsure of how their partner will respond, they’re more likely to hold back. 

Rather than just saying outright, “I feel disconnected when we don’t spend quality time together,” they compartmentalize it. These moments only pile up over time, until the day comes that they inexplicably blurt out something like, “Why can’t you be more like Sarah’s husband? He actually plans dates.” 

It’s not necessarily that they want a different partner; it’s that they don’t feel safe enough to voice their needs plainly. The more secure and emotionally close a person feels in their relationship, the more likely they are to communicate directly. 

Instead of pointing to someone else as a model, turn the spotlight inward. What are you really asking for? And why are you so afraid to ask it plainly?

If you catch yourself about to say, for instance, “Why can’t you be more like Alex? He never blows up over small things,” give these a try instead:

• “I know we both get frustrated sometimes, but it would mean a lot to me if we could speak to each other kindly, without yelling.”
• “It’s hard for me when our arguments escalate so fast. I’d love for us to work on staying grounded together during tough moments.”

Notice how these versions are rooted in your own experience, not someone else’s behavior. This makes them bids for connection, instead of a sweeping accusation of failure.

Relationships require the willingness to love each other as real, flawed, irreplaceable humans — not as comparisons to someone else. Similarly, they require the courage to speak openly, as well as the trust that your openness will be met with respect.

Mark Travers, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website, Therapytips.org.

Want a new career that’s higher-paying, more flexible or fulfilling? Take CNBC’s new online course How to Change Careers and Be Happier at Work. Expert instructors will teach you strategies to network successfully, revamp your resume and confidently transition into your dream career. Start today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+taxes and fees) through May 13, 2025.

While Erika Roberts was a high school student growing up in the suburbs of Philadelphia, she participated in a two-week exchange program that took her to Munich, Germany. She didn’t know it at the time, but that experience would shape the rest of her life.

Fast forward to 2016, when Roberts was a freshman in college, studying biochemistry with a pre-med focus in Massachusetts. Even as she worked towards earning her Bachelor’s degree and attending medical school, she was feeling unfulfilled.

“I was a young adult who wanted to experience the world and all that came with it,” she tells CNBC Make It. “All the places I toured in high school promised diversity, community and personal growth but the reality felt different. I decided I needed to seek out my own challenges if I wanted to truly experience this. I just didn’t feel like I was working towards a future that I was excited about.”

At the same time, Roberts started to think about what life would really be like if she transferred to a different school, specifically one back in Germany.

Unlike the United States, in Germany, you don’t need a Bachelor’s degree to attend medical school. Instead, students enroll in a six-year program that is divided into three stages, with exams administered after each one.

Most public universities in Germany are either free or offer lower costs compared to those in other countries.

All of these factors continued to influence Roberts’ thinking. She considered this move to be her best option because she could become a dermatologist without more lengthy schooling.

Roberts started to pick up the German language again after briefly taking classes in high school.

“I set out to challenge myself and to meet people from all over the world. That’s definitely not something that you necessarily get in the States unless you’re in a major city,” she says. “I feel like Europe does a better job of treating young adults in a way that gives you the responsibility so you’re exposed at a younger age, and you know what to do versus in the States it’s more waiting until you’re 21 and then all of a sudden all hell breaks loose.”

Roberts attempted to discuss attending medical school in Germany with her dad, but he dismissed the idea. He wanted her to finish her education in the United States. But when Roberts ended her freshman year with a 3.9 GPA, her dad changed his mind and gave her the green light to continue her studies in Germany.

“My dad was like, ‘Okay, if that’s what you think is really the right direction. You gave the typical route a try and if it still feels like you need to go and figure that out, then sure you can try it out’,” she says.

Roberts completed her freshman year of college in 2017 and registered at a language school where she also planned to live while getting settled in Germany.

Just a few weeks after registering, Roberts got on a plane and headed to Germany. She lived in a dorm at the language school for less than a year before moving in with her boyfriend at the time’s family. That living arrangement ended when the two broke up. She moved into a shared apartment with two other people where she lived for about a year.

Eventually, Roberts landed in an apartment with roommates and lived there for five years. When she first moved in, she paid 565 euros or $648 a month. By the time she moved out, her rent was 659 euros a month or $751.

Today, Roberts lives on her own but isn’t comfortable disclosing what she pays in rent. Instead, she shared that her total expenses outside of rent are 749 euros or $859 a month.

According to documents reviewed by CNBC Make It, those monthly expenses include 230 euros for groceries, 144 euros for health insurance, 24 euros for a gym membership, 28 euros for her cellphone bill and 38 euros for transportation. She also pays 85 euros for medical school tuition and typically spends 200 euros going out to eat or hanging with friends.

“Taxpayers make it possible to keep the fees of public universities so low, so I’ll have the chance to properly pay back my share once I am working here,” Roberts says.

Roberts has noticed that since living in Germany, she structures her days differently, has healthier eating habits, and overthinks things a lot less.

“I think coming from my Philadelphia experience of wanting to be really individualistic and seeing how people exist here in that universe of not trying to do that has been balancing me out,” she says.

″[It’s] making me confront who I genuinely am outside of what the world around me is telling me I’m supposed to be.”

Roberts has been in Germany for almost eight years now, she says she loves the sense of safety, access to good food and accessibility. Being there has also forced her to learn how to adapt.

“Recognizing the environment that you’re in and the rules that dictate that environment is really essential for understanding how to succeed,” she says.

“What I have definitely noticed is how slowly over the years, I’ve adapted the German culture more. I’ve grown up here in so many ways. I’ve grown into the person that I am now.”

Roberts’ family is mostly all in U.S., so moving back there will always be a possibility, she says. But for now, she can see herself in Europe for a long time to come.

“I would not have thought 10 years ago that I would be living in Germany for as long as I have and how everything’s turned out the way it has. I wouldn’t have been able to predict where I am now 10 years ago,” she says.

“I don’t try to strictly predict where I’m going to be 10 years from today but right now I feel really happy over here and I could see myself staying here.”

Conversions from euros to USD were done using the OANDA conversion rate of 1 euro to 1.14 USD on April 23, 2025. All amounts are rounded to the nearest dollar.

Want a new career that’s higher-paying, more flexible or fulfilling? Take CNBC’s new online course How to Change Careers and Be Happier at Work. Expert instructors will teach you strategies to network successfully, revamp your resume and confidently transition into your dream career. Start today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+taxes and fees) through May 13, 2025.

Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It’s newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life.

Teens who overuse social media and smartphones could deprive themselves of a life skill that’s essential for success, according to social psychologist and New York University professor Jonathan Haidt.

Those between the ages of 13 and 18 average eight hours and 39 minutes of screen time per day, according to a 2021 report from Common Sense Media. Moreover, the company’s 2023 “Constant Companion” report found that teens receive almost 240 notifications every day, and check their phones over 100 times.

The result: A generation of people who can’t concentrate, according to Haidt. And focus is an essential skill for success in life and at work, the social psychologist pointed out on a recent episode of The Oprah Podcast, where he spoke to a 17-year-old self-proclaimed social media addict.

“It is urgent that you restore your brain,” said Haidt, who earned his Ph.D. at the University of Pennsylvania and wrote the New York Times best-selling book, “The Anxious Generation.”

The smart move is to make improvements now: “If you [are on your phone up to 10 hours a day] until you’re 25, then the damage might be permanent,” he said. “By 25, the frontal cortex is kind of done changing. … At that point, it’s going to be much harder to get your attention back.”

Social media is “shattering” attention spans, he noted: “These things are designed to interrupt you.”

And an inability to concentrate can hinder you personally and professionally, according to Haidt. It becomes harder to maintain personal relationships, or even hold down a job, when you have trouble paying attention to anyone or anything beyond your phone. “Do you think any employer’s going to find it useful to hire someone who can’t focus on what they’re supposed to focus on?” he asked.

Haidt’s book, which connects social media and smartphone addiction directly to poor mental health among young people, has generated controversy. Some readers believe it overlooks other, equally significant causes of anxiety and unhappiness in younger people — genetics, brain chemical imbalances and trauma, to name a few.

However, research has shown that social development can suffer when kids and teens over-depend on devices rather than interacting in person.

And in 2023, then-U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory warning about the mental health risks brought on by social media and smartphones, citing studies showing that can lead to higher rates of anxiety and depression.

Haidt advised re-building your ability to focus by committing to using your phone less and suggested getting a small group of friends and family to join the challenge with you.

“If you can find three other family members, three friends to do this with,” you’ll have a better chance at breaking the habit so you can build focus, Haidt said. “I would recommend going cold turkey [from social apps] for a month, if you can.”

When you get the urge to grab your phone, consider making a swap: Instead, start reading, writing in a journal, completing a movie you started or going outside. Then finish that activity before moving on to something else, Haidt recommended.

Consider listening to music while you’re trying to finish chores or get work done, too: Though it may sound counterintuitive, music can help you concentrate, according to Srini Pillay, a Harvard psychiatrist, brain researcher and chief medical officer.

“There are many ways that music can impact the brain’s ability to focus,” he wrote for CNBC Make It in 2023. “One mechanism involves decreasing stress and cortisol, which allows the brain’s attention center to operate without interruption.”

Just steer clear of songs that might make you sad, or are so catchy they make it more difficult for you to stay on task. “In the brain, the focus centers are directly connected to the regions that process emotion, so any music that makes you more emotionally volatile could disrupt your concentration,” he wrote.

Want a new career that’s higher-paying, more flexible or fulfilling? Take CNBC’s new online course How to Change Careers and Be Happier at Work. Expert instructors will teach you strategies to network successfully, revamp your resume and confidently transition into your dream career. Start today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+taxes and fees) through May 13, 2025.

Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It’s newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life.

While going to college tends to mean better pay, not all degrees guarantee high salaries — especially if you study liberal arts.

That’s according to a new analysis from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, which shows that graduates who major in education, social work or the arts tend to earn the lowest median incomes within five years of finishing school. The analysis includes only full-time workers with a bachelor’s degree and excludes those still enrolled in school.

The salary figures are based on 2023 data, the most recent available, and show early-career pay in these fields falls below the U.S. median wage of $48,060 for that year, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.

While engineering majors can make upward of $80,000 early in their careers, many liberal arts and education majors earn closer to $40,000. The median salary of all majors examined was $50,000.

Here’s a look at the 10 majors linked to the lowest median salaries for full-time workers ages 22 to 27.

While learning a foreign language is a valuable skill, a degree in the subject doesn’t always lead to high-paying roles. That’s likely because language can be learned outside a formal education and many graduates tend to go into relatively low-paying fields, like education, translation or public service.

Liberal arts majors also tend to earn less than graduates in technical fields like engineering or math, largely because there’s less demand for their skills in higher-paying industries like technology and finance.

Unfortunately, many liberal arts majors don’t fare much better as they get older, especially those in education. Here’s a look at the 10 lowest-paying majors for full-time workers between ages 35 and 45.

Early childhood education majors earn the least of all mid-career graduates, with a median income of $49,000 — just $8,000 more than what they earned five years after graduation.

By contrast, engineering majors typically break into six figures by mid-career.

Want a new career that’s higher-paying, more flexible or fulfilling? Take CNBC’s new online course How to Change Careers and Be Happier at Work. Expert instructors will teach you strategies to network successfully, revamp your resume and confidently transition into your dream career. Start today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+taxes and fees) through May 13, 2025.

Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It’s newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life.

Bela Bajaria has had an incredible nine-year run at Netflix. She joined in 2016 to oversee unscripted and scripted series, led the streaming giant’s push into live events and sports, and worked her way up to becoming the company’s chief content officer.

But before then, she has what she calls a “big public failure” which turned out to be “the greatest learning lesson”: She was fired from her job as president of Universal Television after a five-year tenure and big accomplishments, including building a strong comedy roster with top creators like Tina Fey and Mike Schur.

“There’s amazing books and quotes and all this stuff about [how] you learn so much from failure, and failure is important, and you’re not trying hard enough if you’re not failing,” Bajaria told CNBC’s Julia Boorstin at the recent 2025 Changemakers Summit in Los Angeles. “And all of that is true, but then when you fail, nobody wants to talk about it.”

There’s plenty of gendered stigma that keep women from discussing their firings, Bajaria added, “because we’re supposed to be perfect” and a dismissal is “a blemish.”

The first few months after her firing were especially tough, she said. She found it hard to separate her personal identity with her professional status and she wondered if the hard work she put into her career was worthwhile.

Bajaria recalled thinking: “All those amazing shows, all these great relationships I built; I treated people so fairly. We had a lot of success — it meant nothing.”

The actual response to her firing challenged that, she said. “I quickly realized, as the phone rang and I got job offers, and everybody reached out, and people were really supportive — it all mattered. The way I treated people, what I had done, the impact I left — it all mattered,” Bajaria said.

“I knew I could always look at myself in the mirror and [think] I liked what I had done. I didn’t have any shame around what I did. I thought it was really a great, successful run,” she added.

Bajaria was quick to note that coming to terms with her firing, and finding the upside of it, is easier after nearly a decade of distance. “The first three months were really rough,” she said.

“In retrospect I am so grateful that it happened,” Bajaria said. “I’m not scared of getting fired. It’s very liberating, actually.”

Under Bajaria’s leadership, Netflix has become a destination to watch live events including comedy specials, awards shows, WWE programming and NFL games.

Netflix films and series like “Bridgerton” and “Emily in Paris” have become global phenomena and boosted economies by hiring massive crews and encouraging tourism to the shows’ settings.

Last year, Netflix received the most nominations for a single studio at both the Oscars and the Emmys with 107 nominations across 35 series, TV movies and specials.

Disclosure: CNBC and Universal Television are divisions of NBCUniversal, which is owned by Comcast.

Do you want a new career that’s higher-paying, more flexible or fulfilling? Take CNBC’s new online course How to Change Careers and Be Happier at Work. Expert instructors will teach you strategies to network successfully, revamp your resume and confidently transition into your dream career. Register today and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+taxes and fees) through May 13, 2025.

Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It’s newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life.